Saturday, October 23, 2010

i can't go back.

i don't want nothing

but i can't do everything anymore.

i'm being demanding.

fridays are great.
friday nights are especially great.
especially when we closed the perk early.
and it is stormy.
and he asked me about ben.
and i found out he said yes immediately. (:
and i have my room to myself.

i am being such a typical giggly girl.
but apparently it's all part of my charm.

i'm glad you're from oklahoma.

don't you forget about me. please. at least not yet. :/

Friday, October 22, 2010

in case you were wondering.

this is not easy for me.
i still miss you.
i still care about you.
i still worry about you.
i still wish.
i still wish.

instead of letting myself cry, i swallow the enormous lump in my throat
i get every time i think of this situation. and i do something with someone
that will hopefully take my mind off the nagging feeling that i need to
make myself throw up. or burn myself again. or take an entire bottle of
pills. or hurt myself more than this situation hurts me.

this is what my life has become lately.
why do you think i stopped taking naps?
you're there every time.

but it's hard.

i never wanted to hurt you.
but i absolutely cannot go back to the way things were.

i need to focus my eyes on a blank spot
and plaster on a smile

until i start to believe it.

it's unbelievably hard.

but i can't make myself ignore everything. i used to.
but so much has happened and so much has torn me down
and made me angry. and helpless. and guilty.
i miss everything.
but i can't make myself ignore it.

and for that, i'm sorry.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

all the songs that used to make me cry

make me smile now.

i used to be different.

Chicago first, right?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


so hey. haha. i love my mod.


there is a nice country boy here (:

i'm awfully tired.

it's so good to be back.

i love my family and my girls back home
but nothing compares to the way i feel here.

i belong here.

i knew it the moment i stepped on campus
and i knew it the moment i woke up and was hit with the sudden realization that
I Could Not Possibly Pass This Up.

and i'm glad i haven't.

you girls are changing my life.

Monday, October 18, 2010

there are so many things i still want to say.

i just need to be angry
and upset
and bitter
for a while.

but i think in a while.
i'd be willing to try again.

and it's a really horrible time for me to decide i need this.
but i can't go back.
maybe we can start over.
in a couple weeks or something.

but for now.
i'm just not ready.

i think maybe this will give me strength.
i sincerely hope so.
because i've never felt weaker in my life.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


why doesn't he love me anymore?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

breaking point.

i am stressed to the point of breaking
i slammed doors
i yelled at dad on the phone
i sat in my closet and cried
i should be excited for fall break
but i'm being pulled in so many directions,
i'd rather just stay here
than have to deal with all these stupid changes
and everybody being
or disappointed
or angry
with or at me.

it's a good thing i'm not going home for thanksgiving.
i can only imagine what would happen.

gee, i can't WAIT for Christmas.



i can't think of anything to do that would take the place of this boring emptiness that has consumed me.
kallen, i'm ready when you are.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

some history.

in case you were wondering, i started this blog to keep track of and share my faith all those months ago. it recently came to my attention that this blog is extremely lacking in faith. i need to refocus my attention.

i've begun to change. i know everybody changes in college, but i think i've changed in a way that is very different. i didn't expect this. and it's going to be hard. but i'm willing to try. i have a great group of girls supporting me here.

here are some things about my faith lately:
1. i'm beginning to worry about this relationship, and how it fits in with my faith.
i feel like maybe we're not strong enough to make this last. we'll see, i guess. i'm going to talk to janine about it at some point.

2. i've had some issues with temptation lately. i feel a little bit better about it, but it's still there. i'm working on it.

3. i really do like reading the Bible. i mean. i don't read it. i make her read it to me. but it's changing the way i'm looking at religion. in a really amazing way.

4. i don't like cussing. i decided that. it physically hurts my ears now. i don't like it when he says it. and i tell him. but he doesn't seem to care. please refer to #1.

may the Lord bless you and keep you. may the very face of God shine upon you and be gracious to you this week. go now in peace. (:

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

i don't want you to know.

i am really starting to wonder.

[insert image]

it scares me.

Monday, October 4, 2010

your favorite band.


And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once.

i'm a little bit better. but i still need a healthy distraction. sigh. we'll see, i guess.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I just want you to know!!! (: (: (:

that i freaking love you.

and i miss you. and i will never ever ever forget you. even though we may be 950 miles apart. this is for both of you. don't forget it.

somebody said something yesterday that reminded me of you.

he said, " i love you hon. i need you to never forget that. i'm serious."

so that's what i'm saying to you.

i love you. i love you. i love you. i need you to never forget that.