Thursday, September 30, 2010

i need you to understand:

it's not there anymore. i just need things to be normal.
i'm crying on the phone, i'm arguing with drew, i'm sleeping all the time. things aren't the way they should be.
i just need things to be normal again.
but i'm not sure they were ever normal here.
my journal is blank.
please just understand i don't mean anything by it anymore. PLEASE.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

i really feel like she might know.


we talked. for a long time actually.
and i'm not sure if it changed anything.
but it changed what i know i need to do.
i just don't want to.


i asked her about sin. i asked her if wanting to sin because i don't feel like it's a sin still makes it a sin. i asked her hypothetical situations. and i asked her if it was satan. i pulled my hair and i fidgeted and i sighed quite a bit. i was nervous. i was scared. i was upset. i asked her so many dumb questions. but she never made me feel dumb. i don't know why it matters. but it does. i told her about the dream. it scares me that she knows now. i feel awkward and vulnerable. i feel like at any second, things could connect and be weird. but it's not a big deal. i mean. it shouldn't be. sigh. but it still feels like it is. i want her to know. but i don't want anything to change.

elyse, you're being unrealistic. just keep it to yourself.

by the way.
thank YOU for bugging me for that hour. but i still don't know why you care.
but thanks. it was 100% necessary.

i miss shelby and kallen. SIIIGGGH and mom and dad and dylan and aaron and drew and stuff. luckily natalie's here to give me hugs (:

Monday, September 27, 2010

Como se digo?

quiero hablar con liz pero no puedo porque rachel es en alli.

i guess i will wait.

i need to sleep. but it appears that tomorrow will be a long day. longer than it should be.
today was just a letdown.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

like it was yesterday.

i remember the first time i realized how you're supposed to pray.
i used to pray like this:
"Dear God, please let school be cancelled today. If You do, I'll love you forever. Well, I already will love you forever, but I'd really appreciate you cancelling school for me. please please please!!! Amen."
i remember the phone call i got saying grandma was not going to get any better, and to expect the worst. i remember being downstairs and thinking, "God, please please let grandma be okay." and then i realized. she won't be okay forever, even if God listens to this prayer. so instead i prayed for healing. healing of those who knew her. i asked God to be with her in her final days, and to be with the family as we dealt with it.
i've never been more confident God answered one of my prayers.
it's been hard for me to pray lately. i'm not sure why. i just can't find the words (or even images) i need to talk to God. i feel blocked. i need your help.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

i am a wonder.

here there were things this week that were good.
for example. Today i biked to work while listening to praise music and i just let go and sang the words as loudly and as awfully as i felt like. sweet freedom. speaking of sweet freedom, he made me say it out loud. he's changing my life too. she makes me feel okay about myself now. it's funny how a stupid conversation can change everything. (: he called me beautiful today. it meant a lot, even though it shouldn't. i like my charm here.

i miss dylan. i wish he wanted to come visit me as much as i want him to.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


i'm sorry. but it made my night. (:


Word on the Street

I don't know if you read this. But if you do, I'm sorry I made you feel awkward. I'm sorry you don't like to talk to me, but I keep trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I joked about it so much. I hope you read this, but it's unlikely you'll know who you are if you do. Maybe you should ask. But that would make our relationship even more awkward. And I would be even more upset about it. So maybe that shouldn't happen.

i should be asleep. but i haven't practiced my flute. or read for film. or studied for computer. or quizzed myself on spanish. or sent my letters. or forgiven myself.

i really am sorry.


remember that time i wrote you a thank you note? and you never said anything about it? and i hoped you had gotten it? and then i saw it somewhere great? and it made me smile for days? yeah. i need so much to be able to write you another note.

but you just don't seem to care.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

a controversial topic.

took me like 600 years to come up with that freaking word.

and now i don't even want it there.

but it's there. and there it shall stay.



Do you read this? I really hope you do.

Monday, September 20, 2010

a friend.

herei have friends. (: maybe they're just first semester friends. but they're still friends. (: i've gotten out, made plans, neglected homework, and moved on recently. i love it.

this week will be good, i think. ben and kelsi and chloe have changed things. i still miss shelby and kallen and drew. a lot. terribly.

but i'm getting used to this thing. and i'm ready to start having a blast. like i'm supposed to be doing. (:

Thursday, September 16, 2010

if the world hates you,

keep in mind that it hated me first. John 15:18
this verse has kept my spirit alive so many times.
today is a beautiful day. (:

Monday, September 13, 2010

Maybe it's you.

Today was one of the best days in a long time. something about biking to work on an adorable old fashioned bike with hand-painted flowered boots and windblown hair with tiny braids peeking out everywhere while listening to the best punk irish band ever... yeah... something about that makes you feel good about life. (:

I am currently sitting in the library, with nothing to do for the next hour until hymn sing. I am bored out of my mind, and nobody else seems especially interesting right now. i just feel like nothing cool is happening. and since i've decided diet pepsi after 8ish is a bad idea if i ever want to get to sleep, i'm restless and antsy and i have a horrible headache. :(

But things could be worse. (:


you know... he asked.

and i hesitated.

i said no to them. because i know what they'd say.

actually... i don't think they ever even asked.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

it's a sad day.

when this isn't late anymore.

i'm bored. i'm kind of tired. but only kind of.

i miss you guys.

i wish you hadn't forgotten about me.

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's Been Said Before BUUUT



*for telling me when i'm being a bitch.
*for bugging me until i told you what was wrong.
*for calling even though i said i would keep my distance.
*for saying hi.
*for letting me sit.
*for reading me Bible stories.
*for sitting with me at lunch.

to all of you. i needed it.

so. i've never so obviously noticed how God puts people to work in other people's hearts until now.

She's changing my life.

And she's changing my life.

And she's changing my life.

She is constantly changing my life. And I've still never needed anyone more.

by the way... i'm glad you think i still belong in heaven.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

i've been thinking...

about how beautiful this picture is.

life has been good lately. Thank You, God.

it means the world to me that I can feel You again.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010


this is how i feel. (:

yesterday was not a great day. Until I called my brother. He's my best friend.

He was so helpful, and he told me he loved me before I told him I loved him. Small things like that keep me running.

I hung out with a girl who I haven't much really yet, Krista, and she and I kind of think the same. She's a lot of fun.

Chelsey and I rearranged our room, and it changed everything. not kidding you. my mood upped so quickly, and everything has just been great since.

we had our mod movie monday last night, and i watched part of that (21) (:, and then Krista and I, along with some other girls, went to the hymn sing in Yost. I wasn't expecting it to be so wonderful. But it was held in a raquetball court, and there was no music. You just shouted out a number for a hymn you wanted to sing, and immediately we would break out in 4 part harmony. I love being mennonite. (: Of COURSE, we sang 606 (or 118 now... sadface.) and then we turned off all the lights and sing praise songs. and this was the part that changed my life. it was completely dark in this room, and there had to have been like, 30 people there. for praise songs, we don't announce what we want to sing, we just start singing. i didn't know all of them, but i had fun listening to the words. I won't lie to you, i got chills a few times. the harmony was amazing, and the words were just perfect. i needed that.
when we were done, Leah turned to me and said I'm the alto she wishes she was. I don't necessarily think I'm great at harmony, but it was great to hear. I stayed up late last night, talking to Chloe, Rachel, Natalie, and Yolli. (: Some really cool girls here. I love our mod.

This morning we had a surprise birthday breakfast for Krista at Daylight Donuts. (: I like feeling included.

Also this morning, I had a meeting with the manager of Lincoln Perk, and got scheduled for training hours. (: I will be working with my cousin, which will be strange, I'm sure, but ultimately wonderful. (: I'm in such a good mood.

Nothing about today is bad. (:

Monday, September 6, 2010

All I Need to Say.

is everything.

but for now...?

I'll stick to thank you.

i've tried to tell you. but you really don't understand how much it means.

maybe someday i can say these things to you.
but for now...?

i'll stick to writing you this.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

it could be better?

things never turn out the way i expect them to.

i never expected that college would be this lonely on the weekends.

i never expected that i'd be scared of people reading my blog.

i never expected that i'd kind of sort of be told i'm going to hell. highlight of my night, let me tell you what.

i never expected that i'd still be disappointing, this far away.

or maybe i just never realized.

that by thinking these things... i absolutely might be headed for hell.

that making friends... is a concept i've hardly ever experienced.

that journaling... might end up saving my life after all.

i don't like being dramatic. but i'm begging you to ask.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I Remember...

The moment my life changed forever.
I remember singing. I remember the tune.
I remember the leader's hair color.
I remember taking my blue composition book
outside and just crying.
I remember nobody else thinking anything
was happening.
I remember wanting to give up everything
just to serve Him.

I felt that again tonight.

This evening I went to a bible study, which I have never been to in my life. Our leader gave her testimony, where she talked about suicidal thoughts, depression, and her story up until now. It seems like everybody came to college with a story to tell.

except me.

And that's okay, I guess. I mean, it's probably better this way. That I've never had sex for money, or never been arrested for driving drunk, or never had a big drug addiction that I've overcome by rediscovering my passion for Jesus, etc. That's a good thing. Right? RIGHT?

I was hanging out with some girls in my RA's room earlier, and we were playing some mind games and just having a good time, and as we all stood up to leave, I heard Rachel say, "Can we finish talking about that thing later?" and Liz replied with an "absolutely" or "of course" or something equally I-support-you-esque. And I just wanted to sink down to the floor. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I'm thinking. I want to ask you things that I feel like only you can answer. I need an outlet like this. I have to know what you think about this... I need to talk to you too. Let me tell you my story. It might not be as interesting.

but i still have one.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


there is no picture to describe the magic that has happened. you guys know how i've kind of been struggling with my faith? well. that would be the magic that has happened.
you guys also maybe know that i've been planning on doing a year(ish) of service after Hesston, before i go on to finish my degree? Well. that would also be the magic.

i began reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne on Monday night, and he talks about his work with the homeless, etc. a lot. it's a great book. i highly recommend it. anyways, i talked to drew about it: about vive el llamado, and how i was being called to serve. i told him i don't want to have to wait two more years. i want to make a difference now, helping the homeless, listening to the unloved. i want to change the world.
this morning, i had an 8:00 class. i ended up waking up for it at 8:00. i didn't have time to brush my teeth, put on deodorant, or makeup, or change my clothes before running to class. it just so happens that i have a full morning. from 8:00-10:50, and then chapel at 11. i considered skipping chapel and going back to the dorm and fixing myself up a little bit, but something was really telling me to go to chapel. to understand why this is a big deal... you have to understand that i do not enjoy going to chapel. i'm always so tired and my mind wanders and it's always hard to find somebody to sit by and it's just bleh. but something was telling me to go.
so i went.
chapel this morning was entirely dedicated to how Hesston College students could serve, even within a small community, through the homeless shelter, big brother/big sister program, and visiting with the prison/old folk's home.
i was blown away. shocked. intruiged. surprised. speechless. afraid.
once i have my car... i'm signing up for all of them.
that would be viviendo el llamado, after all. Thank You.