Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
we talked. for a long time actually.
and i'm not sure if it changed anything.
but it changed what i know i need to do.
i just don't want to.
i asked her about sin. i asked her if wanting to sin because i don't feel like it's a sin still makes it a sin. i asked her hypothetical situations. and i asked her if it was satan. i pulled my hair and i fidgeted and i sighed quite a bit. i was nervous. i was scared. i was upset. i asked her so many dumb questions. but she never made me feel dumb. i don't know why it matters. but it does. i told her about the dream. it scares me that she knows now. i feel awkward and vulnerable. i feel like at any second, things could connect and be weird. but it's not a big deal. i mean. it shouldn't be. sigh. but it still feels like it is. i want her to know. but i don't want anything to change.
elyse, you're being unrealistic. just keep it to yourself.
by the way.
thank YOU for bugging me for that hour. but i still don't know why you care.
but thanks. it was 100% necessary.
i miss shelby and kallen. SIIIGGGH and mom and dad and dylan and aaron and drew and stuff. luckily natalie's here to give me hugs (:
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
for example. Today i biked to work while listening to praise music and i just let go and sang the words as loudly and as awfully as i felt like. sweet freedom. speaking of sweet freedom, he made me say it out loud. he's changing my life too. she makes me feel okay about myself now. it's funny how a stupid conversation can change everything. (: he called me beautiful today. it meant a lot, even though it shouldn't. i like my charm here.
i miss dylan. i wish he wanted to come visit me as much as i want him to.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
i should be asleep. but i haven't practiced my flute. or read for film. or studied for computer. or quizzed myself on spanish. or sent my letters. or forgiven myself.
i really am sorry.
remember that time i wrote you a thank you note? and you never said anything about it? and i hoped you had gotten it? and then i saw it somewhere great? and it made me smile for days? yeah. i need so much to be able to write you another note.
but you just don't seem to care.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
this week will be good, i think. ben and kelsi and chloe have changed things. i still miss shelby and kallen and drew. a lot. terribly.
but i'm getting used to this thing. and i'm ready to start having a blast. like i'm supposed to be doing. (:
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
I am currently sitting in the library, with nothing to do for the next hour until hymn sing. I am bored out of my mind, and nobody else seems especially interesting right now. i just feel like nothing cool is happening. and since i've decided diet pepsi after 8ish is a bad idea if i ever want to get to sleep, i'm restless and antsy and i have a horrible headache. :(
But things could be worse. (:
you know... he asked.
and i hesitated.
i said no to them. because i know what they'd say.
actually... i don't think they ever even asked.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
*for telling me when i'm being a bitch.
*for bugging me until i told you what was wrong.
*for calling even though i said i would keep my distance.
*for saying hi.
*for letting me sit.
*for reading me Bible stories.
*for sitting with me at lunch.
to all of you. i needed it.
so. i've never so obviously noticed how God puts people to work in other people's hearts until now.
She's changing my life.
And she's changing my life.
And she's changing my life.
She is constantly changing my life. And I've still never needed anyone more.
by the way... i'm glad you think i still belong in heaven.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
this is how i feel. (:
yesterday was not a great day. Until I called my brother. He's my best friend.
He was so helpful, and he told me he loved me before I told him I loved him. Small things like that keep me running.
I hung out with a girl who I haven't much really yet, Krista, and she and I kind of think the same. She's a lot of fun.
Chelsey and I rearranged our room, and it changed everything. not kidding you. my mood upped so quickly, and everything has just been great since.
we had our mod movie monday last night, and i watched part of that (21) (:, and then Krista and I, along with some other girls, went to the hymn sing in Yost. I wasn't expecting it to be so wonderful. But it was held in a raquetball court, and there was no music. You just shouted out a number for a hymn you wanted to sing, and immediately we would break out in 4 part harmony. I love being mennonite. (: Of COURSE, we sang 606 (or 118 now... sadface.) and then we turned off all the lights and sing praise songs. and this was the part that changed my life. it was completely dark in this room, and there had to have been like, 30 people there. for praise songs, we don't announce what we want to sing, we just start singing. i didn't know all of them, but i had fun listening to the words. I won't lie to you, i got chills a few times. the harmony was amazing, and the words were just perfect. i needed that.
when we were done, Leah turned to me and said I'm the alto she wishes she was. I don't necessarily think I'm great at harmony, but it was great to hear. I stayed up late last night, talking to Chloe, Rachel, Natalie, and Yolli. (: Some really cool girls here. I love our mod.
This morning we had a surprise birthday breakfast for Krista at Daylight Donuts. (: I like feeling included.
Also this morning, I had a meeting with the manager of Lincoln Perk, and got scheduled for training hours. (: I will be working with my cousin, which will be strange, I'm sure, but ultimately wonderful. (: I'm in such a good mood.
Nothing about today is bad. (:
Monday, September 6, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
things never turn out the way i expect them to.
i never expected that college would be this lonely on the weekends.
i never expected that i'd be scared of people reading my blog.
i never expected that i'd kind of sort of be told i'm going to hell. highlight of my night, let me tell you what.
i never expected that i'd still be disappointing, this far away.
or maybe i just never realized.
that by thinking these things... i absolutely might be headed for hell.
that making friends... is a concept i've hardly ever experienced.that journaling... might end up saving my life after all.
i don't like being dramatic. but i'm begging you to ask.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I remember singing. I remember the tune.
I remember the leader's hair color.
I remember taking my blue composition book
outside and just crying.
I remember nobody else thinking anything
I remember wanting to give up everything
just to serve Him.
I felt that again tonight.
This evening I went to a bible study, which I have never been to in my life. Our leader gave her testimony, where she talked about suicidal thoughts, depression, and her story up until now. It seems like everybody came to college with a story to tell.
And that's okay, I guess. I mean, it's probably better this way. That I've never had sex for money, or never been arrested for driving drunk, or never had a big drug addiction that I've overcome by rediscovering my passion for Jesus, etc. That's a good thing. Right? RIGHT?
I was hanging out with some girls in my RA's room earlier, and we were playing some mind games and just having a good time, and as we all stood up to leave, I heard Rachel say, "Can we finish talking about that thing later?" and Liz replied with an "absolutely" or "of course" or something equally I-support-you-esque. And I just wanted to sink down to the floor. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I'm thinking. I want to ask you things that I feel like only you can answer. I need an outlet like this. I have to know what you think about this... I need to talk to you too. Let me tell you my story. It might not be as interesting.
but i still have one.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
i began reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne on Monday night, and he talks about his work with the homeless, etc. a lot. it's a great book. i highly recommend it. anyways, i talked to drew about it: about vive el llamado, and how i was being called to serve. i told him i don't want to have to wait two more years. i want to make a difference now, helping the homeless, listening to the unloved. i want to change the world.