Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
things are good on this end.
my grades are good, my plans for Christmas are all figured out.
my room is great.
flute is still stupid, but go figure.
i had a dream drew and i were back together. it destroyed my day.
i'm busy. i'm studying. i'm whatever.
i'm going out on a blind/double date on saturday night.
and also, there's like, 4 guys that are in love with me.
i don't understand when i started being this person. but i don't mind. (:
i skipped class tonight to go support my RA play basketball.
things are okay. i still wish i felt more a part of things. but i'm okay where i am.
(: thanks for today.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
friday nights are especially great.
especially when we closed the perk early.
and it is stormy.
and he asked me about ben.
and i found out he said yes immediately. (:
and i have my room to myself.
i am being such a typical giggly girl.
but apparently it's all part of my charm.
i'm glad you're from oklahoma.
don't you forget about me. please. at least not yet. :/
Friday, October 22, 2010
i still miss you.
i still care about you.
i still worry about you.
i still wish.
i still wish.
instead of letting myself cry, i swallow the enormous lump in my throat
i get every time i think of this situation. and i do something with someone
that will hopefully take my mind off the nagging feeling that i need to
make myself throw up. or burn myself again. or take an entire bottle of
pills. or hurt myself more than this situation hurts me.
this is what my life has become lately.
why do you think i stopped taking naps?
you're there every time.
but it's hard.
i never wanted to hurt you.
but i absolutely cannot go back to the way things were.
i need to focus my eyes on a blank spot
and plaster on a smile
until i start to believe it.
it's unbelievably hard.
but i can't make myself ignore everything. i used to.
but so much has happened and so much has torn me down
and made me angry. and helpless. and guilty.
i miss everything.
but i can't make myself ignore it.
and for that, i'm sorry.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
i love my family and my girls back home
but nothing compares to the way i feel here.
i belong here.
i knew it the moment i stepped on campus
and i knew it the moment i woke up and was hit with the sudden realization that
I Could Not Possibly Pass This Up.
and i'm glad i haven't.
you girls are changing my life.
Monday, October 18, 2010
for a while.
but i think in a while.
i'd be willing to try again.
and it's a really horrible time for me to decide i need this.
but i can't go back.
maybe we can start over.
in a couple weeks or something.
but for now.
i'm just not ready.
i think maybe this will give me strength.
i sincerely hope so.
because i've never felt weaker in my life.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
i slammed doors
i yelled at dad on the phone
i sat in my closet and cried
i should be excited for fall break
but i'm being pulled in so many directions,
i'd rather just stay here
than have to deal with all these stupid changes
and everybody being
with or at me.
it's a good thing i'm not going home for thanksgiving.
i can only imagine what would happen.
gee, i can't WAIT for Christmas.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
i've begun to change. i know everybody changes in college, but i think i've changed in a way that is very different. i didn't expect this. and it's going to be hard. but i'm willing to try. i have a great group of girls supporting me here.
here are some things about my faith lately:
1. i'm beginning to worry about this relationship, and how it fits in with my faith.
i feel like maybe we're not strong enough to make this last. we'll see, i guess. i'm going to talk to janine about it at some point.
2. i've had some issues with temptation lately. i feel a little bit better about it, but it's still there. i'm working on it.
3. i really do like reading the Bible. i mean. i don't read it. i make her read it to me. but it's changing the way i'm looking at religion. in a really amazing way.
4. i don't like cussing. i decided that. it physically hurts my ears now. i don't like it when he says it. and i tell him. but he doesn't seem to care. please refer to #1.
may the Lord bless you and keep you. may the very face of God shine upon you and be gracious to you this week. go now in peace. (:
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once.
i'm a little bit better. but i still need a healthy distraction. sigh. we'll see, i guess.
Friday, October 1, 2010
and i miss you. and i will never ever ever forget you. even though we may be 950 miles apart. this is for both of you. don't forget it.
somebody said something yesterday that reminded me of you.
he said, " i love you hon. i need you to never forget that. i'm serious."
so that's what i'm saying to you.
i love you. i love you. i love you. i need you to never forget that.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
we talked. for a long time actually.
and i'm not sure if it changed anything.
but it changed what i know i need to do.
i just don't want to.
i asked her about sin. i asked her if wanting to sin because i don't feel like it's a sin still makes it a sin. i asked her hypothetical situations. and i asked her if it was satan. i pulled my hair and i fidgeted and i sighed quite a bit. i was nervous. i was scared. i was upset. i asked her so many dumb questions. but she never made me feel dumb. i don't know why it matters. but it does. i told her about the dream. it scares me that she knows now. i feel awkward and vulnerable. i feel like at any second, things could connect and be weird. but it's not a big deal. i mean. it shouldn't be. sigh. but it still feels like it is. i want her to know. but i don't want anything to change.
elyse, you're being unrealistic. just keep it to yourself.
by the way.
thank YOU for bugging me for that hour. but i still don't know why you care.
but thanks. it was 100% necessary.
i miss shelby and kallen. SIIIGGGH and mom and dad and dylan and aaron and drew and stuff. luckily natalie's here to give me hugs (:
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
for example. Today i biked to work while listening to praise music and i just let go and sang the words as loudly and as awfully as i felt like. sweet freedom. speaking of sweet freedom, he made me say it out loud. he's changing my life too. she makes me feel okay about myself now. it's funny how a stupid conversation can change everything. (: he called me beautiful today. it meant a lot, even though it shouldn't. i like my charm here.
i miss dylan. i wish he wanted to come visit me as much as i want him to.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
i should be asleep. but i haven't practiced my flute. or read for film. or studied for computer. or quizzed myself on spanish. or sent my letters. or forgiven myself.
i really am sorry.
remember that time i wrote you a thank you note? and you never said anything about it? and i hoped you had gotten it? and then i saw it somewhere great? and it made me smile for days? yeah. i need so much to be able to write you another note.
but you just don't seem to care.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
this week will be good, i think. ben and kelsi and chloe have changed things. i still miss shelby and kallen and drew. a lot. terribly.
but i'm getting used to this thing. and i'm ready to start having a blast. like i'm supposed to be doing. (:
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
I am currently sitting in the library, with nothing to do for the next hour until hymn sing. I am bored out of my mind, and nobody else seems especially interesting right now. i just feel like nothing cool is happening. and since i've decided diet pepsi after 8ish is a bad idea if i ever want to get to sleep, i'm restless and antsy and i have a horrible headache. :(
But things could be worse. (:
you know... he asked.
and i hesitated.
i said no to them. because i know what they'd say.
actually... i don't think they ever even asked.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
*for telling me when i'm being a bitch.
*for bugging me until i told you what was wrong.
*for calling even though i said i would keep my distance.
*for saying hi.
*for letting me sit.
*for reading me Bible stories.
*for sitting with me at lunch.
to all of you. i needed it.
so. i've never so obviously noticed how God puts people to work in other people's hearts until now.
She's changing my life.
And she's changing my life.
And she's changing my life.
She is constantly changing my life. And I've still never needed anyone more.
by the way... i'm glad you think i still belong in heaven.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
this is how i feel. (:
yesterday was not a great day. Until I called my brother. He's my best friend.
He was so helpful, and he told me he loved me before I told him I loved him. Small things like that keep me running.
I hung out with a girl who I haven't much really yet, Krista, and she and I kind of think the same. She's a lot of fun.
Chelsey and I rearranged our room, and it changed everything. not kidding you. my mood upped so quickly, and everything has just been great since.
we had our mod movie monday last night, and i watched part of that (21) (:, and then Krista and I, along with some other girls, went to the hymn sing in Yost. I wasn't expecting it to be so wonderful. But it was held in a raquetball court, and there was no music. You just shouted out a number for a hymn you wanted to sing, and immediately we would break out in 4 part harmony. I love being mennonite. (: Of COURSE, we sang 606 (or 118 now... sadface.) and then we turned off all the lights and sing praise songs. and this was the part that changed my life. it was completely dark in this room, and there had to have been like, 30 people there. for praise songs, we don't announce what we want to sing, we just start singing. i didn't know all of them, but i had fun listening to the words. I won't lie to you, i got chills a few times. the harmony was amazing, and the words were just perfect. i needed that.
when we were done, Leah turned to me and said I'm the alto she wishes she was. I don't necessarily think I'm great at harmony, but it was great to hear. I stayed up late last night, talking to Chloe, Rachel, Natalie, and Yolli. (: Some really cool girls here. I love our mod.
This morning we had a surprise birthday breakfast for Krista at Daylight Donuts. (: I like feeling included.
Also this morning, I had a meeting with the manager of Lincoln Perk, and got scheduled for training hours. (: I will be working with my cousin, which will be strange, I'm sure, but ultimately wonderful. (: I'm in such a good mood.
Nothing about today is bad. (:
Monday, September 6, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
things never turn out the way i expect them to.
i never expected that college would be this lonely on the weekends.
i never expected that i'd be scared of people reading my blog.
i never expected that i'd kind of sort of be told i'm going to hell. highlight of my night, let me tell you what.
i never expected that i'd still be disappointing, this far away.
or maybe i just never realized.
that by thinking these things... i absolutely might be headed for hell.
that making friends... is a concept i've hardly ever experienced.that journaling... might end up saving my life after all.
i don't like being dramatic. but i'm begging you to ask.
Friday, September 3, 2010
I remember singing. I remember the tune.
I remember the leader's hair color.
I remember taking my blue composition book
outside and just crying.
I remember nobody else thinking anything
I remember wanting to give up everything
just to serve Him.
I felt that again tonight.
This evening I went to a bible study, which I have never been to in my life. Our leader gave her testimony, where she talked about suicidal thoughts, depression, and her story up until now. It seems like everybody came to college with a story to tell.
And that's okay, I guess. I mean, it's probably better this way. That I've never had sex for money, or never been arrested for driving drunk, or never had a big drug addiction that I've overcome by rediscovering my passion for Jesus, etc. That's a good thing. Right? RIGHT?
I was hanging out with some girls in my RA's room earlier, and we were playing some mind games and just having a good time, and as we all stood up to leave, I heard Rachel say, "Can we finish talking about that thing later?" and Liz replied with an "absolutely" or "of course" or something equally I-support-you-esque. And I just wanted to sink down to the floor. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I'm thinking. I want to ask you things that I feel like only you can answer. I need an outlet like this. I have to know what you think about this... I need to talk to you too. Let me tell you my story. It might not be as interesting.
but i still have one.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
i began reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne on Monday night, and he talks about his work with the homeless, etc. a lot. it's a great book. i highly recommend it. anyways, i talked to drew about it: about vive el llamado, and how i was being called to serve. i told him i don't want to have to wait two more years. i want to make a difference now, helping the homeless, listening to the unloved. i want to change the world.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
with the lights off
on a friday night
i feel like i'm writing a suicide note.
i might as well be for the way my heart aches.
i haven't felt like this in over a year.
i don't like this feeling.
this torment of not being the most important person.
i tried talking to three people about it.
i want to talk to you, but i know you wouldn't understand.
why do i want this as badly as i do?
why is it such a big deal to me?
why can't i just let this go and go back to the way things were before?
there is no reason.
i don't know where to go, so i'm standing still.
i'm scared of what my heart is telling me.
i'm scared of the emotions i feel.
i'm scared that this is as serious to me as it is.
i'm scared that i'm so heartbroken about it.
and i'm really scared i'm going to stay like this.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
the kind of girl who doesn't sweat.
the kind of girl who would hold hands with strange guys while walking a mile.
the kind of girl who would jump on guys' backs, even if it is for a game.
the kind of girl who would talk on the phone just to talk on the phone.
the kind of girl who would survive being alone.
But I did.
College is such a different experience than high school was. Or even summer camp. In addition to taking classes I actually want to pay attention to, I signed up for flute and guitar lessons. I've played mod volleyball, which we dominated at. (: It's my roommate's birthday so we just ordered 10 pizzas and we're having a sister-mod party here in a little bit. I've been eating apples instead of iced cream. The only thing on my floor here is shoes. I've called Mom twice in two days. I've made friends. I love it here. I really do.
Mom, you can stop worrying now.
However... some things that are not so great:
* having to lock up my bike when I get back to campus.
* having to lock my room so nobody steals my laptop. And...
* that computer lock daddy bought me and then never showed me how to use. The directions make less sense that Swahili to me.
* using the facilities. Public restrooms suck hardcore.
* I've had stomach cramps since I got here. I'm not sure if it's the switch of food, or of temperature, or what's going on. But they hurt. :/ It might be menstrual-related. But I'm thinking of taking medicine regardless.
* worrying that the milk in my refrigorator is going to go bad before I can use all of it.
* my phone charger comes unplugged when I sleep. :(
Granted, none of these are huge problems. But they're huge enough that I feel like complaining here.
Although there are some things that suck, there are some good things:
* my dorm/mod/sister mod. There is always music playing really loudly with all the doors open, so it's like a big house party all the time. Not to mention, there are some really cool girls here.
* the guys. don't get me wrong, I love Drew and I want him forever. I mean the guys as friends. I've made a few so far: Vincent (who has a 'fro and the sweetest aura), sooooomebody I don't remember his name lol (who asked me to tutor him in film... on the first day), Michael (Who calls me 'Princess'), and Ben (who forgot my name once and now makes it a point to say hi every time he sees me.).
* the freedom. I can, to some extent, do whatever I want, go whereever I want, and stay wherever I want however long I want to. It's interesting to feel like there aren't strict rules. I'll get used to it eventually.
I do miss Kallen, Shelby, Drew, and my (now kind of extended) family. That includes you, Aaron. (: It's nice to have something to look forward to each day as I run down to the student center to check my mailbox. It's awesome to have classes that I don't want to just journal through. And also, it sucks. I miss you all, but I love you toooooo (:
I have mod volleyball round 2 in an hour (I told you we dominated), and then bed relatively early because I have an 8:00 tomorrow morning. *gag*
What I'm trying to say is... I'm having a great time.
i'm not trying to rub it in.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am not as horribly tired as before. (: Probably because I got some excersize today.
I went on a bike ride around town as I talked to Mom on the phone, and I just got
back from playing Mod Volleyball. (: I was going mostly because my RA, Liz, told us
we needed as many people as possible to look intimidating. So I went. Playing sports
in front of other people scares the living poop out of me. But I did it. And it ended up
being one of the most fun things I've done here so far. (:
In about ten minutes I need to actually put clothes on instead of just sitting here in my
towel, and go take a computer competency exam to see if I need to take the computer
class. If not, I get to return a $200 book! Keep your fingers crossed for me. (: After
that, it's second floor movie mondays. I'm not sure what we're watching, but I've been informed there will be food. Tomorrow I have fitness concepts and (if I don't pass :( ) intro to computers. Tomorrow seems like it might be a pretty great day. We'll see, I guess.
In other news, I'm making friends. People here are friendly, if not 100% inclusive. But as of now, things are good.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Then again... classes haven't started. But IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD...
I'm scared out of my mind. :( But whatever. I'm catching up in my journal, making friends, finishing organizing my room, listening to music, writing letters, texting my man... things are okay. (:
However, i miss this kid.
And i miss this beaaaaaaaautiful lady, my very best friend, Shelby. (: What's such a pretty girl doing with me?
and of course, my very favorite sister! i miss her with a burning passion.
also, i'm a dinosaur in this picture. (:
Friday, August 20, 2010
not much of anything to do with college life at all, but isn't this the best picture in the world??? (:
ANYWAYS. I'm so unbelievably exhausted, but in about half an hour, my mod is going out to Druber's to celebrate two girls' birthdays. So I kind of have to go since one of them is my roommate.
As for college, when I first got here, I wore my sunglasses all the time. Not because it was particularly sunny, but because I needed the time to swallow my tears. It was so uncomfortable and miserable. I didn't know anyone, but I felt like everyone else was already friends. I didn't know how to approach people, which hasn't been a problem of mine in years. I just wanted Mom and Daddy to take me back home so I could HP with Shelby and Kallen, which is what they were doing as I was getting "settled in." I was just so miserable and afraid. I wanted to run into Drew's arm and cry into his shirt until everything was better. (If you're reading this, I love you and I miss you more than anything. :/) Since that wasn't an option, Shelby coached me through life for a while there via texting. I ended up making a few friends so far. Thank poop! But I eventually got into the swing of things. Or at least pretended to be in the swing of things. It was easier once I wasn't being prodded by Mom and Daddy. I know they mean well, but they were making everything way too structured. Once they went to Walmart and I was on my own, I found people I could hang out with comfortably.
While I'm still not super comfortable (will I ever be in a dorm?), I am not uncomfortable anymore. It's strange to have sophomores outside my room causing a ruckus, but go figure... It's just like living down at the beach again. Except surprisingly, my room is bigger. I have some new pillows and sheets and a new blanket, new dishes, new fridge... things are a-changing. But I have more hope now than I did earlier. (:
Monday, August 16, 2010
as i'm swimming through the stereo
Sunday, August 15, 2010
it was nice to have a week with my friends, but it's even nicer to be home.
i feel so at peace with the world.
aside from the fact that i'm kind of freaking out about college.
i feel cute and fun and interesting.
tonight i'm just planning on hanging out... tomorrow i'm going to see grandma. :/ she's not doing well at all.
woke up late... as always (:
boys went to the Parthenon and an army surplus store. sheesh.
girls got ready for the day. and then... Amy's dumb GPS was being, well, dumb and couldn't find any of the addresses we had, so it kept setting itself en route to Alabama. which was, you know... wrong. after becoming extremely aggravated, we went back home.
the 4 of us went out to eat at Chili's because we had a gift card. It was really mediocre food. :/ but the dessert was amazing. (:
we headed downtown to find gifts for our (favorite) family members. (; and then
hid in a closet from shelby and aaron with my honey because i was scared. :(
talked it out with her,
went to a strip clubbbb. (:
as we walked in, and saw these girls up on stage, i immediately thought, "this is somebody's little girl." and i just felt icky. but as we stayed there, and watched a ridiculous number of creepy guys throw money at these girls, we talked to more and more of them. and they kind of explained that they liked it, or they "needed" to for financial reasons. i still couldn't shake my uneasiness about how casual it was though. i just didn't grow up that way. anyways, it was fun, and we became friends with 2 girls: Jesse, and Raquel. Jesse was cute as can be, with a gorgeous little body and naturally red hair, who was unbelievably strong. I was impressed. Raquel didn't so much strip as run around taking her clothes off like a 5 year old looking for laughs. She was real cute though. Made you smile. (: When she came up and talked to us, she decided it was necessary to grope my best friend, and give her just a few kisses. lol. on the mouth. lol. i don't think Shelby even knew what to do. it was quite amusing, to say the least. (: we left around 2 to go home and get some sleep for the ride home.
which was today...
came home. weeeeeee. (:
Friday, August 13, 2010
but sometimes i really need a response... it wasn't hypothetical this time.
ate breakfast/lunch (:
burned some cookies :(
more Kroger runs, if I remember correctly.
took Gran to her hair appointment in the pouring rain.
went to Goodwill for a while.
after a quick drink stop at McDonald's,
Shelb and I got massages (: How come she always gets the sexy black guy and I always get the chubby woman with facial hair?!? EVERY TIME.
after massages, we went straight downtown so I could finally get my eyebrow pierced. I was worried what the boys would think, but they seem to like it. I LOVE it, and I got pierced by such a beautiful woman: Betty Ann from LA Ink Season 4 (I believe). She was so wonderful. (: I could feel it being ripped through my freaking skin, but other than that, it was painless. lol.
once that was over, we were STARVING, and we decided to go home to get cute before going to Hooters. (:
when we got home, the power was out! so we had to go out the way we were. :(
Anyways... Hooters was wonderful.
The boys were both first timers, but I think they liked it. We had a perfect, wonderful waitress. (: Her name was Jessica. Finally a Jessica I liked. lol.
When we went home, we were really excited for electricity. but no! :( the power was still out. the whole house was cluttered with candles, so it would have been really romantic had it not been like, 200 degress. :( it was miserable. and it continued to be that way until SEVEN THIS MORNING.
woke up gross. ugh.
went to Hot Diggity Dog, this cute little Chicago-style hot dog joint. It was so great, and I'm not really one for hot dogs.
Walked around downtown. Shopped. Ate iced cream. (: It was a nice day. If by nice, you understand I mean 103 degrees.
Came home. (:
Chilling before going out to eat with Mel, Gran, and Amy. (:
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Shelby and Aaron played computer games all afternoon while
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Many lines have been crossed so far this vacation. (:
It's fun to hang out with the boys and get ready with my bestie. As we were getting ready today, I noticed we are polar opposites when it comes to looks.
Me: green eyes.
Shelby: brown eyes.
Me: blonde, short, straight hair.
Shelby: brunette, long, curly hair.
Shelby: no freckles.
Me: short. (and aaron won't let me forget it.)
Drive down. (:
Had a glorious nappy.
Went to Zanie's Comedy Club to see John Caparulo from Chelsea Lately. (:
Scrounged for some breakfast cereal. lol.
Went to Whole Foods and spent around $60 on things we didn't need. (: Ate pizza and gelato for lunch, which was delicioussss.
Took a break from the heat to relax a little bit.
Went on a search for a Goodwill, but it was out of business. :(
On the way home, we stopped at an adult superstore, The Lion's Den. Which had the most amazing employees I've ever met. So hilarious and not awkward. It was a lot of fun, but also totally weird. (: In a good way.
Went swimming in the community pool. Felt so delicious on my skin.
Ate amazing steak and baked potatoes that Shelby's FABULOUS aunt made for us, and watched Sweet Home Alabama on the outdoor patio.
Hung out with our boys until it was time for sleep (:
Went to The Pancake Pantry, which blew our freaking minds.
Walked around 21st street, checking out little shops, dying a slow and painful death in the unbelievable heat.
Went home to relax.
Went to Phonoluxe, this retro CD/vinyl/dvd/vhs/cassette tape store, and found some neat stuff. (:
Walmart to buy iced cream and cereal.
Home to relax and watch Taking Lives before running around Nashville (:
Went to Wildhorse Saloon and ate a little bit, and had some fun line dancing. I wish anybody else here appreciated country music the way I do. Not that I love it... I just know it and like it enough that it's so much fun to be here, where country music is HUGE. I just feel like they all think I'm obnoxious for loving line dancing and singing along and stuff. I don't know.
Went to HUSTLER. You have to at least once, right? (:
Now we're watching Bedazzled. (: We're so awesome.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
we got here safely, around 3 p.m., organized our charts of things to do while we're here, and took a glorious nappy. We're in the process (I'm obviously waiting my turn) of taking showers before we go to a comedy club. I love my friends and I love the way this trip makes me feel.
My gang of friends is the kind of gang I was always jealous of. (: I'm excited to do all sorts of wonderful this week. we're 4 crazy teenagers, after all (3 technically). (:
I guess I will keep this updated, as that is the meaning I started it.
Seems pretty dumb, as only one person reads it... and she's one room away from me. Whatever.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
*I wish he hadn't heard me say that today. I really don't mean it. He's my favorite, and I hate that I hurt him. Don't tell me it was for attention. Attention doesn't make your eyes that red.
*After so long, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. It hasn't even been terribly long, but things have changed so much between us. I'm awkward and scared. I don't like to show her how I really feel. God, help us.<3
*I'm scared he'll fall out of love with me. It hit me that he could be the one to end up breaking my heart today. I hope he loves me as much as he did the first time.
*I love being the girl I am to him. Especially cheering him on while he's trannying it up and sharing my makeup and nail polish remover with him. I'm proud of him. I could try not to be, but there's no point. He is amazing and perfect. He is my psuedo little brother. I care about him. I worry about him. I get proud of him and shout his fucking name to the heavens. I love him more than I've loved any one of them these past 4 years. It scares me he'll be gone forever. I'm not sure if my heart could handle that right now. After all... Stephen broke my heart.
I feel empty and angry. I miss Drew with the impossibility of finding the most miniscule shard of glass. I miss him with my eyes and my hands and my lips. I miss his smile and his voice. and i shouldn't miss him this much after only 10 hours.
But I do.
I miss him like he's gone away to sea and I will wait at the shore for him to come back. I miss him as badly as I cried in the shower that day. I miss him I miss him I miss him.
This summer has been full of interesting things. And yet?
I feel unfulfilled.
*Friday Night Live
*Third Cooler Meetings, AKA getting crunk in the cooler. (:
it's time for a change. it really is. it is so overdue. I found a blog yesterday of this woman who was feeling the same way I am right now, and she inspired me. I will explain more once I know the details. But things are going to be interesting, dammit.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
this summer has passed so quickly, and i'm really antsy about moving out of it.
in other news... i'm going lappy shopping today, and tonight my honey and i are going out on a typical date. (: i think it'll be okay.
except that dylan just left and i'm heartbroken.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
yesterday was me and drew's 10 month (: we rented lots of movies and ate junk food. we had these fancy cookie sticks and we pretended we were fancy estate owners and had just imported fancy cuban cigars. we are quite the pair.
things should be all set for Tennessee. (:
work at 4, babysitting at 7:30, and then lots of sleep. hopefully lots of diet pepsi as well. i need all the help i can get.
i miss you.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
even if they're not always free.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
i think i would enjoy just wandering. laying in the grass. preferably in my underwear. i love beautiful things. (:
so long for now, my dears. xoxo,