Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I can always find something to be angry about.

and that's bs.

i get so angry over nothing, and then i get so upset that i'm angry. and then i'm so angry i could cry, and i usually do, and ah. i just don't know when life is ever going to be appealing. there is so much to be angry about.

and yet, none of the things i'm angry about make any sense.

i just don't care right now. i'm pissed off, and i just don't care. i'm slamming doors and glaring at the world. for no reason. but i still am. i'm so tired of living this life. of being trapped in this angsty cynical person. im so so tired.


Monday, February 27, 2012

You know what I think are interesting?

Bodies. I am the worse person in the world to put anywhere there are semi-naked people. It's nothing sexual and it's nothing perverted. I just love the differences between bodies. Love them. And people think I'm totally weird and awkward. But I'm pretty sure that's one of the things that makes me an artist.

Or maybe it just makes me a freak. <3

Monday, February 20, 2012

so very happy(:

Thursday: hookah with cherish, josh, and rach in Wichita until 1:30, to my friend Tyler's house to hang out until 3:30, broke his window... :X, iHOP, home at 5:30, class at 9. LIKE A BOSS.

Friday: skating rink after hours with josh, rach, and kelsi in Hutch. lots of papa johns, lots of free dt. pepsi, lots of free arcade games. more skating. daylight donuts at 5 a.m., cheating at BS, following the ambulances, home by 7, work at 12...:20... when my boss called me to ask why i was late and if i was ever coming in. sigh.

Saturday: naps, subway, naps, naps, naps.

Sunday: journaling and harry potter. <3

Monday, February 13, 2012

Telling everybody the dark truth.

I feel so awful right now, and for no reason at all.
I don't want to finish school, I have no motivation to do anything. Literally anything. Not go to class or clean the room or get on tumblr. I don't know.

I just feel stupid today.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Always writing huge, long entries...

and then erasing them because they're too intimate.

or something.

guess you'll never really know me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It's interesting... or maybe it's not

how I always think of things to blog about at work, and I always think, "I will not forget this by the time I get to my computer," and then I do. So here am I, with a head full of thoughts, but nothing to say.

Anyways. Last night was such a fantastic night, I spent 7 hours hanging out with the three of the greatest people ever. Went to the basketball game, Newells, and Drubers. (: It gave me hope in humanity again. And it was nice to laugh. For pretty much the first time all semester.

Today I have two papers to write, an article to read, and two days of math homework to do. And... I'm not interested. lol. I'm actually reading my uncle's third book instead. They're so so so fantastic. And really quick reads, so that's nice. It's hard not having unlimited time to read. I did just read Tell All by Chuck Palahniuk though. It was so great.

So anyways, I really want some macaroni.

Love elyse.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The day is never dark enough.

A few things that have been on my mind lately... But I suppose we'll see where I begin. My thoughts are kind of jumbled today.

Some days, I feel weak for no reason. There is nothing to do today. No tutoring, no journaling, nothing on my computer. And that just leaves me feeling bored and annoyed. And then I figured I would sleep, but I wasn't tired enough to sleep. And I know I need to go work out, but I'm just not interested today. I'm not tired enough to sleep, but too tired to work out. :/ It's a horrible in-between. Which leads me to my point. I feel weak. For no reason. But here we are. I figured I'd give in and blog about it, which tends to happen faster than journaling, instead of walking around, running my head into walls.

I can tell I'm on a very fine line right now, and I'm concentrating very hard on not crossing that line. I'm just bored, really. I'm fine besides that. I just fall into a kind of stupor if I don't have anything to keep me busy. To keep my hands busy, my mind busy. But some days that doesn't even matter.


Friday, February 3, 2012

I'm feelin' a little bit better.

Even though all I want to do is eat a million sugar cookies. lol.

And I have a math test today :(

Thursday, February 2, 2012

i hope you don't smile when i'm sad.

I have no good way to introduce this idea that's just come swimming into my head, so I'm just going to jump into it and hope that it makes sense. And even if it doesn't... love me anyway. I need it. :/

I think there are too many versions of myself. I think I have so many different people in my head who claim to be me, that when I really focus on one, I lose track of another. And how can I have all these different parts of myself without some being noticeable?

So obviously, it's been a really crappy couple days. And I'm trying my hardest to pull myself out of this, because people always say half the battle is in your head... but you know what? It's really hard. It's so hard to pull myself out of this. I want to apologize for being nasty, but I honestly think it was warranted after so long of me just sitting here, taking this shitty "friendship." The day is so grey and lonely. I feel like I'm in Annie. But you know what? What if the sun doesn't come out tomorrow? What if I'm like this forever? Always wondering what will actually happen, only halfway giving it my all because I'm too afraid it isn't what I thought it would be all this time.

And I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I threw my God-self away. My relationship with God is nowhere to be found, and it breaks my heart. I know I shouldn't, but I get so afraid He loves me less. And I know that's not true, I know that will never be true. But when your heart hurts the way my heart hurts and you feel as though you're in a downward spiral with no end in sight, it really feels like you're alone. When you're arguing with everybody and can't sleep because you can't imagine facing another day in this "life," sometimes all you have to do is just cry. When I was downstairs just a few minutes ago, I ran into a friend who told me he's going to be speaking in chapel about fear. And about how Paul, even when he was literally chained to the wall in prison, didn't lose his faith. And he prayed. But he didn't pray that he could be free, that he could get out. Instead he prayed that he could fearlessly preach Jesus' name. What am I praying for?

Nothing seems to be going according to plan, and when I used to think about my life, I had all the power in the world to create something worth remembering, worth living in the first place. And now all I can do is sit around and shrug because I have no idea. I don't feel inspired or wanted by the world (except for her) and no place, no thing seems worth anything. This is one of those rare depressions that seeps into your skin and lingers for a long long time. It's the kind of sadness sleep does not touch, does not change. It's the kind fun things might distract, if only momentarily.

It's the kind of thing that literally leaves me thinking of ways to escape. But you know what? You can never run very far from yourself.