sadface

why.

don't ask me, it's never made any sense.

things still feel impossible.

but i'm trying.

here

Nathaniel and Superfly!

some days things can be really sucky.


and then some days... things should really not be sucky for a million different reasons. but they are.

here


*Drew and I have officially been dating for 9 months.


*I finally contacted my *crosses fingers* hopefully future boss today.

I feel like I'm walking in a tunnel, I should know exactly where I'm going... after all... I'm in a tunnel. There are two directions to go: forward or back. And yet? I find myself gazing at the graffiti on the ceiling of the tunnel, spinning around getting dizzy, falling over and just laying there. I have nowhere to go from here. I don't know why I get like this. I don't know why I can't just explain it.



I don't know anything.






i need an adventure.




here

Sitting in the Library.

It reminds me of him. But how can i not be reminded of him when i've seen him pretty regularly since i've been here. but you know what? i don't care anymore. i know i've said things like this before, and usually they're complete crap... but this time i think i really mean it.

here

i went for a walk in my pajamas this morning, and listened to relient k on my ipod. and i ran into all sorts of people, including him. and i realized... if he cares? that's his problem. i know i looked strange, i know my hair was everywhere, and i know my pants were dragging on the ground. but if i am going to spend my entire summer primping for someone who really shouldn't matter anyway? what's the point? so i am officially letting him go. and i feel good.





i'm really worried about my bestie. i got my first letter from her the other day, and she sounds extremely unhappy. i wish i could zoom on down there to see her, but obviously that can't happen. i just want her to be happy. i really really do. :/








i have about 50 minutes until i have to go to a meeting and watch a video about what to do in the case of a dying camper.... lock him in the basement of Stone and pretend not to know what they mean? sounds kind of like what most of us would do if this were to actually happen... considering we all bring other things to do during the meeting. so that will be good.





i hate to say it with the rest of you sounding like your summer is the farties, but my summer is kind of great so far. lots of relaxing, lots of borders, lots of fresh air, and lots of my boyfriend on demand.





but don't worry, summer is bound to get fabulous. it always does. (: in the meantime, stay up too late, eat too many popsicles, and breathe in the day. it's worth it- i promise.

I Will Dance, I Will Sing.

i am officially a moment ruiner.

drew: elyse... you are completely gorgeous. i think your body is absolutely beautiful.

me: are you sure you're not gay?

i had a dream it was our wedding day and i found him in the shower with my brother. great start to a great day.

summer is apparently "officially" starting, as i had my first day at "work" today. it was awful, but go figure. i made some friends, and i have a lot of old ones there already, so i think it'll be a good year.

last night i ate out at Giovanni's, which was delicious, and then watched Kung Fu Panda with my friends. (: now i'm sitting at Borders, knitting and drinking iced tea. some days truly feed my soul.

i will dance, i will sing

to be mad for my king

nothing, Lord, is hindering

this passion in my soul.

thank you for today. (: Amen.

Sitting at Borders.

here

I don't have a ton of time, but I figured I owe it to you to update.

I ran into him and it was actually okay. I'm still alive.

I was worried about having a boyfriend in the summer because I'm a big "looking for a love interest" person, but I love having Drew here and having him understand everything.

In the past 4 days, I've:

* taken 3 trips to borders

* squished 5 people into a photo booth

* lost my phone

* kissed in the rain (FINALLY)

* seen Toy Story 3

* been informed there is a mouse in my cabin

* found a topless bar I never knew existed

it's looking like it's going to be a pretty decent summer. (: last night it occurred to me I actually might have a legitimate group of friends this year. So far, it's looking like it will be me, Kallen, Caitlin, Dylan, Drew, and maybe James (: Oh, I enjoy life some days.

here

however, i feel like things would be better if i looked like this girl. she's cute.

PS: i got an amazing bicycle yesterday. it's one i've wanted for a long time, and i finally found the exact one i want. (: maybe i'll get a picture for you guys later. in the meantime, stay sweet. (:

My New Hat (:

i have never felt more hopeless and boring in my life than i did today. i hardly talked to drew because he was at work all day. and when i did talk to him, he was hanging out with people at work. at interlochen. without me. i miss him and i just want to be there.

i don't mean to sound insulting to you guys at all. i love you, i really do. but at this point every year, i just want to be back there.

in addition to him being at work all day, which sucked in itself... i found out he's working with his kind-of-sort-of they-fooled-around-a-little-bit-last-summer girl. he said they're still talking, but it is kind of awkward. no kidding it's a little awkward. it's a little awkward for me too. and it makes me feel horrible. i know i have no reason to worry, he loves me, etc. HOWEVER. i am very uncomfortable knowing he is going to be in the exact same situation he was last summer when he fell for her. it just makes me feel horrible and like i'm not good enough. don't ask why, i'm not sure. i just feel like she's so much better.

am i being a brat here? i know it's not his fault. but it's so much easier to just be upset with him than at the situation. i need somebody to be angry with, and i don't want to be this girl. i don't want to be upset over stupid things. so please, somebody, tell me if i am.

since it's technically friday here... i suppose a fill in the blank is necessary. (:

1. love is a real life porn, minus all the stuff that makes porn cool. (:

2. dancing in the rain makes me happy.

3. when my windows are open i hope birds fly in.

4. last time i laughed really hard was today in shelby's gran's pool.

5. the smell of seafood makes me queasy.

6. i think freckles are so adorable.

Happy New Journal, Elyse.

Envy has always been a problem of mine. No matter who or what it is, I can always find a way to be envious. But this time... I really think I have a reason.
here

He's there without me. :/ And I miss him.


Kallen and I went on a drive the other day. On the way home, I realized these are the moments that make up the story of my life. It seemed rather insignificant at the time. But looking back... It's dumb of me to be upset that I don't feel interesting sometimes... When I have 86,400 seconds in a day to do something I'm proud of.


I, Elyse Terry, promise to grab each moment
and not let go. I promise to find something
beautiful and spectacular each day, and to
treat life with the respect and love it deserves.

here

Say It Ain't So.

the memories of buds
the feel of the waterfront
the excitement of skittles
the tension of pirate's key
the prices at the hoffbrau
the nachos at the karlin inn
the smell of sunscreen
the hot cement at otter creek
the lyrics of guitar lessons
the time at pizza hut
the familiarity of target
the gift cards for borders
the sweetness of the 20-minute
the amazing shakes at burger king

But... I Could Make It So.

we all need some sort of death.
today is the death of that year.




but we both know that's not true.

I'm Ready.

i'm not excited for this next week. i just need an escape. and i'm so close.

so close.

Don't You Forget About Me.

i talked about him tonight. it was hard. but i did it. it's hard for me to admit that i still can't breathe when i think about him. it's not fair.

but go figure.

i don't know what i want anymore. i simply don't know. and i'll probably be selfish about it. which... is not fair either. but, again, go figure.

why is it that sometimes the hardest decisions are the most insignificant ones? i didn't really stress about picking a college. but i stress about which journal to use next. i guess it's easier to pretend the simple things are the most difficult sometimes. it helps us all stay sane.

hey elyse? i think it's time to face yourself again.

1. you will fit in eventually.

2. it's okay to be emotional.

3. you are allowed to have fun.

4. make sure you breathe in the new day. there is so much more out there.

5. don't stop being the girl who carries flowers.

I Just Might.

i'm better...

i think.


iced cream party tonight. (:

It's Possible.

welcome to the world, elyse.



it occurred to me today that things could be beautiful.





i've been spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out how I feel about everything. not everything in general, but everything individually and in its own detail. and i can't figure out what I want to do. about anything.




the other day shelby and i were talking about both just up and bailing on college to work together and open a catering business. i know it's not going to happen.




but what if i had enough guts to take the chance?

click.

The Fight.

I have not been this worried about my relationship since... I got in it.

Lately I've been feeling very neutral about life, and it's wearing through my relationship with Drew. He asks what's wrong, and I say nothing, because I'm not sure how to explain this feeling. When he pushes and pushes, I keep saying I'm okay because I don't know what else to say. And then he lets it go. And it breaks my heart. And I feel like I need to let him know. But of course I can't say it like a normal person. So I bitch him out until I'm in tears.

But maybe it's a good thing. Some times I get in moods where I feel like it's time for a heart to break. Usually it's mine. But sometimes, by breaking my own heart... I break other people's. I can never win.

I was flipping through my journal today

on the way to Cincinnati, and I found a quote I'd written a month or so back, and it said, "Life rarely matches our

expectations." I thought maybe I was telling myself I was just in a rough patch with my fire for life. And although this should probably make me feel better... I have never felt more hopeless.

this is where i was today.

These Pills.

Pirates of The Caribbean is on the t.v.
it reminds me of high school.
am i ready for this?

i have a favourite mug.
every time i use it, i am reminded of the day i bought it. sitting outside a bakery on a beautiful summer day, eating pie and drinking coffee with my family. i am also reminded of the electric green van that drove by, and the picture message i sent to my close friend, who had a deep obsession with anything green. i am reminded of the times she, along with 5 of my other close friends, used to come over for random crazy parties. i remember feeling cute, and skinny, and alive.

The other day, I accidentally sat on my favorite sunglasses. They were black and heart shaped. Immature, I know, but so fun to wear. At the mall yesterday, I was determined to find a new pair. I don't last long without sunglasses. I finally found a pair I could live with, but they are so plain. They have rounded rectangular lenses, and a cheetah print frame. They're cute... but they can never measure up to my heart shapes. As I was complaining to my best friend, she said something that changed my view on everything: " it's a new era."

am i really the only one who feels like life is falling flat of my expectations for it?

I Just Don't Know.

Drew and I regularly remind each other that in just a few short weeks, we will get to see each other every day. While I'm excited, I'm also terrified. Every summer I find that one guy who I decide is my "love interest." Although I've obviously never fallen in love with any of these guys, it has always been fun to see who I can get to buy me drinks or ask for my number or who will go out of their way to talk to me. And this summer... I can't do that.

When we first started dating, I figured this was just a fun relationship until college. And then things got more serious. Not serious, but more serious than I thought they would get. And that was okay. And the more things keep going now, I do love him in certain ways. I really do. However... now I'm wondering if it would be better if I just left a good thing a good thing until waiting until we fall apart and we're both miserable from missing each other. I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him for a while. But honestly? I'm not sure if I can see us together in a year (with both of us being satisfied with this...).

Anyways. Today I think I am mostly just hanging out until I get my shots done for college, and Shelby and I are going shopping for supplies for our Annual Picnic tomorrow. (: Currently, the menu consists of: chocolate covered strawberries, bagel sandwiches, cinnamon rolls, and sparkling fruit juice. I feel like maybe we need one other thing. But I'm not so sure. Ideas?

The good news is, I've been really making an effort to go to church lately, and I think it's paying off. I feel a little bit closer to God, and I appreciate the support from all of you girls. Thank you so much.

I Refuse.

here
This morning I was laying with Drew on his bed, and I almost said it. I almost did. And then? I thought about it. Some things about him I really do love. But that's just it... Some things. If we go by loving somebody for some things about themselves... I would be in love 5 times over. So I kept my mouth shut.

I feel like Summer in 500 Days of Summer. I feel like I may love him a certain way right now... but I will be sure with someone else what I wasn't/am not with him. And I don't want to hurt him, but I'm really scared. And in the meantime... I'm so unaware of how far is too far (physically). Thoughts?

This weekend has been some kind of wonderful. What kind, I'm not really sure. I've done a lot of driving, and I've done a lot of jamming to Lady Gaga. I've also done a lot of searching for an energy drink I've found once in my life. :/ My baby graduated from high school last night, by the way. (: I am so very proud of him, even if the ceremony was so ridiculously long and boring. However... he made it. (:

God, please help me and Drew grow according to Your plan for us. Amen.

Hey Girls.

I have an idea. Check out this website I've posted down below. There is a group of girls who are working together to, apparently, try to define themselves. I think this is something I could really benefit from. So if anybody else is interested in joining me, just let me know. (:


here.

A Kind of FITBL.

8 Things I Did Yesterday


1. ate chocolate donuts.

2. rode along in the car to fort wayne.

3. tried on so many clothes.

4. annoyed a target employee because he wouldn't help me find my mom.

5. bought daddy a birthday gift- HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD (:

6. went to borders.

7. watched desperate housewives.

8. glued some flowers from graduation into my journal.

...

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To

1. interlochen.

2. senior trip to nashville.

3. starting college.

4. drew's graduation/party and the gallery hop tomorrow night (:

5. hs football game in october.

6. having my own house.

7. falling in love.

8. desperate housewives season 6 on dvd this september!

...

8 Things I Wish I Could Do

1. run hurdles.

2. love him as much as he loves me.

3. be funny when i want to.

4. gleek.

5. crochet.

6. have a job. :/

7. stay up during movies.

8. not drink as much diet pepsi.

here

today is a beautiful day. i've been filling my days with thank you cards, graduation parties, desperate housewives, journaling, and making plans. today i went swimming in lima at shelby's grandma's pool. it felt so amazing, and was so much fun. i enjoy having no responsibilities.

something i don't appreciate? being invited places, and then having my presence "explained." it's really crappy. especially from family.

in other news... i know nothing.

God, give me strength. Amen.

Stupidity.

Sometimes... my life is excruciatingly boring. Looking back at my life, I look interesting enough.


But am I?


I have had very little luck rekindling my passion for life. I'm racing around, trying to find things to keep myself occupied, but I seem to be finding myself late at night staring at the patterns of light on the walls, wondering what is the point? It is very uninspiring.

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I need some way to call a truce with life, but I have nothing to say.