Friday, October 22, 2010

in case you were wondering.

this is not easy for me.
i still miss you.
i still care about you.
i still worry about you.
i still wish.
i still wish.

instead of letting myself cry, i swallow the enormous lump in my throat
i get every time i think of this situation. and i do something with someone
that will hopefully take my mind off the nagging feeling that i need to
make myself throw up. or burn myself again. or take an entire bottle of
pills. or hurt myself more than this situation hurts me.

this is what my life has become lately.
why do you think i stopped taking naps?
you're there every time.

but it's hard.

i never wanted to hurt you.
but i absolutely cannot go back to the way things were.

i need to focus my eyes on a blank spot
and plaster on a smile

until i start to believe it.

it's unbelievably hard.

but i can't make myself ignore everything. i used to.
but so much has happened and so much has torn me down
and made me angry. and helpless. and guilty.
i miss everything.
but i can't make myself ignore it.

and for that, i'm sorry.

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