Monday, May 31, 2010

One Night Stand

Lately I have been staying out late, sleeping very occasionally, and waking up early for something. Therefore, I am becoming remarkably good at sneaking out of bed/rooms while others are asleep. I feel like a slut.

This morning I went to the Memorial Day Parade. My very last experience with the BHS Marching Band. I cannot even believe I'm here already. My best friend, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend are all asleep downstairs in my room, while I am up here hanging out with Dylan.

Today I get to relax for the first time in a long time, I think. I only have one graduation party, and I really need to journal. I love being able to relax, so I hate graduation party weekend. I hate the stress and tension of having to run around to all sorts of parties every day. I eat too much, and I always get really sweaty, and it is just horrible. However... I know it's necessary.

Can I be honest for a second?

I am terrified. Shelby has been trying to get me to love Molly Lengyl (sp?) for a long time. And I would love her. However, if I'm being honest? I'm jealous of her. I am terribly envious. I know it's unattractive and I know I sound dramatic and I know how elementary this is. But I"ve somehow convinced myself that everybody likes her more than me. Shelby does. Aaron does. Drew does. All my other friends do. She's more interesting, cuter, funnier... just all around a better person than me. And it's really making me uneasy and scared. I know I probably shouldn't be scared and every time I talk to anybody about this, they remind me that Shelby and I are some of the strongest friends they've ever seen. BUT... what if she doesn't want me anymore? I just don't know. I don't want to tell her. But I can't pretend I love somebody I'm terrified of.

Yesterday I went to church (: It was a beautiful thing.

Apparently all my one night stands are awake and looking for me. So I'm gonna go. (:

Friday, May 28, 2010

1. grad party in 2 hours.
2. bff's grad party in 22 hours.
3. graduation in 27 hours.
4. so exhausted.


Fill in the blank Friday (:

1. Where were you three hours ago? School for graduation practice (:

2. When was the last time you drove out of town? Yesterday Mom and I went graduation shopping in Findlay.

3. What was the last movie you saw? I believe it was Ironman 2 with renaissance.

4. What are your plans for tonight? Well... My graduation party is in 5 hours, so that. And then Abigail Wentz's because we used to be hardcore BFFs... and then who knows? (: The world is my oyster, after all.

5. What is the next trip you are going to take? Depending on timing, I'm either going to Interlochen or on our Senior Trip to Nashville.

6. What is your strangest experience with food? oh. lol. I suppose it would be when Christian made me eat a spoonful of Red Hot Hot Sauce. It was disgusting.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Kansas- The Prologue.

Before I say anything... it's Fill-In-The-Blank Friday!!! However, I'm cheating and doing something a little bit different. (:
Friday The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
1. My Beautiful Rescue by This Provicence.
2. There's A Reason the Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of That Yet by Panic! at the Disco.
3. Eet by Regina Spektor.
4. Alone by Sanctus Real.
5. BBQ Stain by Tim McGraw (I think... :/)

Mostly because I love all of them. Who needs a better reason. (:


Sometimes I worry I made the wrong decision to go to Hesston.
And then I come out here, and it's like God has said, "Child, I will hold your doubts. Do good unto My name." And I'm prepared for anything with that breath behind me. Thank you for your reassurance, God.

I'm reading this book called The Sacred Romance, which I think I've already talked about... But it's getting good. I just read something I thought I'd throw out into the universe:

"However the Haunting comes, it often brings with it a bitterspeet poigancy of ache, the sense that we stood at a crossroads somewhere in the past and chose a turning that left some shining part of ourselves- perhaps the best part- behind, left it behind with the passion of youthful love, or the calling of a heart vocation, or simply in the sigh of coming to terms with the mundane requirements of life."

I suppose this is the only way to share how I feel sometimes. So trapped in the past that I can't seem to move forward.

As you girls know, I've been struggling with my faith. I can't seem to find any passion for God and I just feel very small in a world with no clue as to which direction to turn. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to light my fire again, but it's not producing very many results.

As with lovers, maybe I'm just going through a bit of a rough patch. But that thought terrifies me. How can the one "person" who completely understands my soul and loves me in spite of my shortcomings be so disconnected from me? Or at least FEEL so disconnected from me? I don't like the idea that God isn't breathing into my soul every moment of every day. But lately I don't feel the joy I used to about this kind of thing. And maybe it's just like in a normal relationship, where you get used to something and you have to look for ways to keep the romance alive. However... God is the one "person" I know is my true soul mate. And it's heartbreaking to think that maybe I'm growing accustomed to Him. I don't want to grow accustomed. I want to be surprised at every turn.
I want him to take my breath away.

God... I need You now more than I have in a long time. It's not easy to be myself without You. I need You to fight for me. I really, really do. Amen.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Printing Pictures.

My friends are out of control. That's all I'm going to say.

I don't feel very well, but I guess I haven't for a few days now. I hope I start to feel better because tomorrow I'm making the great voyage to Kansas, ONCE AGAIN, for my cousin's wedding. You'd think there's been enough matrimony this year. But someone always has to go and surprise you.
Yesterday was the Music Awards Banquet. I won the award for Musical Excellence. He said some really sweet things about me, and the way he spoke, I can tell he meant them from the bottom of his heart. I don't think I've ever felt more appreciated than when he says something kind about me. I know I should just be excited I received an award, but something is still nagging at my heart. Marching band. Anybody who knows me/knew me during marching band knows I count my steps, walk in step with people, conduct with every part of my body, and live for shows. Marching band was my life for what seems like forever. And somehow the award went to somebody who I feel wasn't deserving. She works hard, and she may have some good ideas. But there is no way she will miss the familiar pulsating of the cadence through her body the way I will next year. There is no way she will tap it out on her desk and lap and tables with whatever she can find the way I will. There is no way. I feel like there is one equally deserving person of the marching band award. And she received the other one. It pulls the strings of my heart and I can feel myself crumbling under the very wrong expectations I had for myself. I am fully aware that this is a ridiculous response, and I know I need to just cool down and let it go. But I've never thrown myself in love with anything more than I have with marching band.

In other news, tonight the seniors are painting the streets. I should be excited, I've been waiting to do it since I first traversed along that street. However, I don't feel anything. I feel absolutely neutral about tonight. I know what I'm going to paint and with what colors. I'm even wearing my painting clothes already. But I can't seem to spark my fire for street painting. I hope things get better. I hope they do.

In addition to all that crap, I've been really struggling to reignite my faith. I had missed church for an unexcusable number of weeks, and this past week was Youth Sunday, where I was all of the sudden put on the spot. I have been reading The Sacred Romance by Brent something and John Eldridge, but it isn't doing anything for me. I'm not sure if it's just not a great book, or if I'm totally immune to anything relating to having a heart.
Sunday night I had a breakdown. It was the breakdown to end all breakdowns. I finally confided in Shelby that my needs for spiritual relief and guidance were not being met, and we agreed to start being more open about things. I think one of the things that has really strained our friendship this year was not talking about God or religion or faith. She told me she didn't like to, and I didn't push it. Meanwhile, I was devistated. She was the only one I'd talked to for the longest time, and she helped so much. Now I was on my own. Who was I supposed to turn to? Luckily, something good came out of it, as this small group was created. I think all of us girls needed some kind of faith outlet, and this turned out to be the perfect solution. Thank you girls so much for all of your support and guidance and just listening to me when I'm blabbering... like I obviously am today. My point being, we decided to start talking about it again, and hopefully this will build up our friendship, as we have had a rough year together.

my name is elyse terry.
i will never be emotionless.
i'm a girl; i cry over boys who break my heart.
i get confused about things i want in life.
i fall apart pretty regularly.
and i won't tell you when i need you to pick up pieces.
depression isn't who i am. but i know it will help shape me.
i sometimes lose my passion for life.
and sometimes i have unbelievable joy i can't wait to share.
don't tell me grey isn't beautiful.
i am such a color. in spite of the stigma.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sometimes I Wonder.

Does he realize when I saw "it's important to me" I mean "it's my everything"?

Does she realize she is a good mom? The best I could ever ask for?

Does he realize I want to tell him everything but I'm terrified of his reaction?

Does she realize that although I complain, I need nothing else but her company?

Does she know I don't mean to leave her out, but I need my own friends?

Does it know how much it has saved my life so many dreary days?

Does he know how hung up on him I still am?

Does he know what he does to her?

Does he know I look up to him more than I ever have?

Does He know... I have never meant "I'm sorry" more than I do right this second?

I'm so unbelievably sorry.

God, I've missed you. I don't want my behavior to become habit. Please please forgive me. Amen.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Elyse's Blog: Episode 6: Return of the Jedi.

Part 1:
The title of this post was definitely created by two of my favorite boys ever. (: I'll give you two guesses as to who it was. (PS... Aaron just left.)

Kallen is at driver's ed and will be finished in like... half an hour so my honey and I are going to go pick her up and then we're going to go eat, mayyyybe. And to Findlay, so I can spend all my birthday money on food for other people. SUPER. Shelby and I decided to have a party tonight, but I have nothing to do with it. lol. For being an event planner, I'm not doing much lately. She invited everybody and decided all the details. I'm just in charge of spending the money. SIGH. It's okay though, I'd probably just end up spending the money on food anyways. Which is the stupidest thing ever. BUT oh well.

Last night we got good and crunk before coming back to my house and DYING around 1:30 AM. It's great being an "adult."

As a last thought... my legs are shaped funny.

Deep Thoughts by Elyse Terry... Coming soon to a store near you.

(: I'm going to go ... explode. (<--- Drew's contribution.)

Goodbye all my little petunias. (:

Friday, May 14, 2010

Beautiful and Dirty Rich.

As I've said before, I've been following this woman's blog, and on it, she does this thing called Fill In The Blank Friday. I figured I would give it a shot so my blog doesn't just consist of pitiful platitudes. So let's see how this goes. (:

1. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth.

2. Every night before bed I set my phone alarm and talk to my boyfriend. (:
3. My favorite thing to do when I'm having a bad day is be surprised by something great.

4. Something that makes me cringe is grammar typos.

5. Social situations make me nervous.

6. I like to collect pens, old postcards.

7. Weekends are for getting crunk?

I should definitely be doing something besides blogging and putting music on my ipod. However. I feel like nothing else in the world comes close to being as important as this. I need to remind you all I'm still alive, right? (: Drew should almost be here, and I'm very excited to see him. (: Tonight I'm in charge of driving my enormous truck, which I love dearly, to the drive-in movie to see Ironman 2. It'll be fun, but I'm not really sure where it is. So we'll see. Guess who's here now! Oh super, I look gross. lol. Good thing he loves me I guess. (:

I think tomorrow will be good too, but I honestly just cannot wait to get out of high school. It is extremely dull and I'm outgrowing it at a rapid pace. It is definitely time for me to be doing my own thing. So we'll see, I guess.

Anyways, I'm going to go have a super crazy (NOT) weekend. And I'll definitely probably maybe doubtfully update you on Monday. (:

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I am so exhausted. I'm taking Kallen to driver's ed pretty soon here and then I'm going straight to my bestie's house. We're going to watch lots of Desperate Housewives, probably eat lots of noodles, and drink lots of Diet Pepsi. I'm spending the night there tonight because tomorrow we're taking our rennaisance periods. (: Woo, no spanish. In addition to that, I'm skipping band, and then Aaron and Drew are coming up to celebrate my birthday with me. (: which, granted, is a little bit too late to be considered a birthday celebration. But whatever, that's what it is. So I'm very excited. We're going to a drive in movie tomorrow to see Ironman 2, and then on Saturday we're having some BOY TIME and I'm going to have some people over to eat food, I think. (: I've missed my best friend, and I'm so excited to be spending the weekend with her. Sunday is youth Sunday, where I will find myself back in church, where I truly feel I belong. I have missed it sooooo much lately and I cannot wait to be back there. (: God, thank you for today and all the ups and downs it has brought. Help me live for you. Amen.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Nobody Understands Why I Love The Rain.

I find myself wishing I was interesting. As many interesting things I do, or appear to do, I never feel like it's enough. I've been following this blog of a girl that, simply put, I wish I was. She is adorable and funny and interesting. When did being myself stop being good enough? I don't know where to go from here. I'm not at rock-bottom, but I'm not close to the top. I'm spinning in a daze of light blue sparkles with no clue as to which direction to move in.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Purple Daffodils.

Sometimes I wish purple daffodils existed. It seems like the only way I can remind myself things are real is to experience something I know can't possibly be real. I think maybe that is the appeal of reading: to get lost in my own little world. Not that it takes a book. I tend to get lost in my own little world regardless. In a world where purple daffodils exist.

Or maybe a world where I didn't have to wait so long to see one of my best friends.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Where Could It Be.

I remember a few years ago around this time, I was having the time of my life. I had the best friend a girl could ask for, a car to drive, great hair, a cute little body, and no responsibilities. Jumping into a car just for the ride and ending up SOMEWHERE? Why not? I never thought I'd end up feeling so bland about where I'm headed. I sincerely hope I can find my passion for life again. God? Highlight my need for you. Amen.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Oh, It Is Love...?

He loves me.
I was sitting on his bed, and I asked him if he remembered our first kiss. (: He said he did, because it was the exact spot we were sitting. Then I told him about this ancient mythology legend about how soul mates used to be connected and have four arms and four legs and two heads. But then the gods were jealous and intimidated by the power and connection they held, so they seperated them into two beings forever. That is how the idea of soul mates came to be. As I told him this, I was looking into his eyes, and then he just said "I love you." However, I am me, so I started crying and I told him I wasn't ready to say it back. Sometimes I do love him. Sometimes the emotion I feel for him can only be explained as "I love you." But... I'm so young. It terrifies me and excites me at the same time. Sometimes I do love him with my entire heart. And sometimes. I'm not so sure. I told him I didn't want to say it now and then later say I didn't mean it, so I wasn't going to say it yet. He understands, but I wish I had more for him. I really wish I did. God, please hold our relationship. Please guide my feelings and give me strength. Amen.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Hey There, World.

Apparently you are my oyster.
I'm willing to give you a try.
But only if you heed my warning:
It's not always going to be pretty.
You must learn to forgive me, for I often mess up.