Monday, June 18, 2012


So Kallen and Caitlin are in Amsterdam, the land of pot and hookers. I got a picture today of a glass case full of dildos... apparently they went to the sex museum in the red light district. Whatever, lol. They invited me to go with them, but I have real life financial responsibilities (plus I have no interest in Amsterdam) but seriously, I miss them. I miss them a lot. I met a transgender guy named Tony yesterday and he is my surrogate bff for the week. And then I've been texting/hanging out with some of the guy counselors. No girls. Of course. Sometimes I don't really feel like a woman at all. There are little things that confuse me. And that makes me feel a little bit weird. Whatever. They should be here the night of the 23rd, but that's still such a long ways away. Especially since camp hasn't even started. And Dylan's working stage crew, so he has his own group of friends to hang out with. So I just sit still. Journal. Blog, apparently.

Yesterday Rachel and I got the call (actually I called them, but whatever.) that we have been approved for our Colorado apartment. (: So she's working, and I start work tomorrow. And from then on it's saving money, working full time, making lots of lists, and when I get back to Ohio, FINISH PACKING. I'm only going to have like, 3 days, to pack all the things to build my life with 1500 miles away. I have lists all over my life. I cannot wait. It's 56 days for me, 38(?) for Rach. We have furniture and cookbooks and regular books and pillowcases and all the other things you need in order to live. It's going to be such a great adventure.

Dylan and I are sitting at Buds, chilling on our computers (sidenote: I always wonder what people do on their computers that takes so long... I get on, check facebook, maybe tumblr, and then... that's it. lol. and I'm bored. I would much rather have my journal and a pen.). Tonight we're going to the Karlin Inn, but that's in another hour and I'm starving to death. All I've eaten today is a bowl of cereal. Soon I'm going to die of hunger. Whatever.

I'm going to put my computer away.


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Monday, June 4, 2012

Psalm 34:18

I did what you suggested... I just wish so desperately I would get a straightforward answer.

I'm exhausted but there's no way I could sleep right now, I'm too tired, if that's possible.
Everything is kind of blurry and I can't really breathe and my eyes are so swollen I can barely see out of them. At least Mom hugged me when she saw me. They understand. They know I'm not just being dramatic. But wow, it just feels so impossible.

71 days. I am so tired of this. The word "forever" just keeps sounding better and better. 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

idk man.

(:  graduated from hesston. graduated from bartending school. kals graduated. we had a party for her. ash is getting married, so we're heading out to joplin this weekend. rach got  hired at dave&busters  today (: i'm going to be in 2 weddings within the next two weeks and then going to interlochen (: it's time for summer to get interesting, since i found out jen isn't going to be back from nicaragua any time soon :/ blahhhh. at least i have my journal. <3

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


i made monster cookies :)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


i am so restless. im not sure what to dooooooooooooooooo.

Monday, April 9, 2012


so. much. traveling.

i am exhausted. and happy. rachel looks kinda like a rasta chick with dreads because her hair's pulled back. it rules. but she doesn't have dreads. so... but anyways.

we've been so so so so so busy lately. Went to Colorado and found theeee most gorgeous apartment, which we must have. Then went to Ohio to see Ma for her birthday and surprise Kals, plus to see the guys in my life. (: It was so great to see them. And also to make such a huge trip just because. (: And then this weekend we went to Tulsa to Rach's parent's house for Easter. (: I met like, 27 bajillion people, and they were all fantastic. lol. I did a ton of laundry and ate a lot of peanut butter pie. AND TRIED A HAMBURGER. it was weird. lol. i don't think i'm ever going to want beef the way i used to. gross.

anyways, now we're just getting so SO ready for graduation. Already working on cleaning/packing. Ugh, it's definitely past time to leave this place.

Anyways. <3

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Art Journalssssssssssssssssssssss

OMG, it's like there's this entire underground society that COMPLETES me that nobody ever told me about. I'm so amazed there are people out there more into journaling than me. I'm literally only on my laptop to look at the archives upon archives of art journal pages from other people, and i am amazed. but what is really difficult about me starting up an art journal is that i'm not an artist full time. like, i don't have a studio. i don't have multiple "journals" that i work on at a time. and i'm the most impatient person in the world, so i hardly ever wait for my paint to dry, i just snap my journal shut and lug (yes, it is becoming heavy enough that it must be lugged now) it wherever i am needed in the world, and once i open it in class or at work or in the car, i have to kind of rip the pages apart as they have become stuck together with the force of a million ancient gods holding them together. and then there are ripped edges everywhere and everything is all stuck together and messy, which is a really new thing for me and my journals. it's perfect. how could i never have thrown so much paint on these pages? how could i have not printed off these pictures and scribbled in the margins and just thrown my entire soul into these pages? they're entirely mine, and they're finally starting to look like what i see when i close my eyes. the pages are so thick and they are wavy from being so drenched in watercolours and the pens run everywhere and omgoodness this journal is a disaster. but i think it's more of a reflection of my soul than anything i've ever had up until this point.

earlier today Rachel told me that my journal is like my drunk self, i'm always honest in my journal. but you know the absolutely most beautiful thing about having the journals i have? they're completely 100% irrefutably mine. mine, mine, mine. i am dramatic, i misquote song lyrics, i don't cite my sources, i whine, i cry, i scribble, i dream, i misspell and the entire thing is one huge enormous run-on sentence. BUT THEY'RE MINE.

point of this being, i really love my journals. <3

Monday, March 19, 2012

hey guys.

(: so it's been such a crappy day, but now that classes are over for the day and it's raining and i'm just hanging out in my panties and comfy sweatshirt with my bff, things are okay. our room is still a mess, and there is still paint on my hands. my foot hurts so badly i can hardly walk, and im not on schedule with a bunch of things i should have done already. however, i feel okay.

so lately i've been really really into my journal lately. it sucks being away from kallen and caitlin because i really need a journal buddy. but i feel good about it. it's filling up about as quickly as it used to, and i want to spend time working in it, making it something i'm proud of for the first time in a long time. this journal is also my very first experiment with art journaling, and i absolutely adore it. it's so much fun, but our room is absolutely bursting with scraps of coloured paper, glue sticks, acrylics, watercolours, things to glue in (movie tickets, lists, magazine cutouts, etc.). i'm not sure how rach feels about it, but it doesn't bother me any (:

speaking of naps. i'm going to go take one. <3

Friday, March 9, 2012

Colorado [insert heart]

Apartment hunting with Rach, staying in this gorgeous house in Colorado. Driving around, listening to music, walking, drinking tea, ahhh.

I cannot wait to move. <3y

To get even further away from those high school years.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I can always find something to be angry about.

and that's bs.

i get so angry over nothing, and then i get so upset that i'm angry. and then i'm so angry i could cry, and i usually do, and ah. i just don't know when life is ever going to be appealing. there is so much to be angry about.

and yet, none of the things i'm angry about make any sense.

i just don't care right now. i'm pissed off, and i just don't care. i'm slamming doors and glaring at the world. for no reason. but i still am. i'm so tired of living this life. of being trapped in this angsty cynical person. im so so tired.


Monday, February 27, 2012

You know what I think are interesting?

Bodies. I am the worse person in the world to put anywhere there are semi-naked people. It's nothing sexual and it's nothing perverted. I just love the differences between bodies. Love them. And people think I'm totally weird and awkward. But I'm pretty sure that's one of the things that makes me an artist.

Or maybe it just makes me a freak. <3

Monday, February 20, 2012

so very happy(:

Thursday: hookah with cherish, josh, and rach in Wichita until 1:30, to my friend Tyler's house to hang out until 3:30, broke his window... :X, iHOP, home at 5:30, class at 9. LIKE A BOSS.

Friday: skating rink after hours with josh, rach, and kelsi in Hutch. lots of papa johns, lots of free dt. pepsi, lots of free arcade games. more skating. daylight donuts at 5 a.m., cheating at BS, following the ambulances, home by 7, work at 12...:20... when my boss called me to ask why i was late and if i was ever coming in. sigh.

Saturday: naps, subway, naps, naps, naps.

Sunday: journaling and harry potter. <3

Monday, February 13, 2012

Telling everybody the dark truth.

I feel so awful right now, and for no reason at all.
I don't want to finish school, I have no motivation to do anything. Literally anything. Not go to class or clean the room or get on tumblr. I don't know.

I just feel stupid today.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Always writing huge, long entries...

and then erasing them because they're too intimate.

or something.

guess you'll never really know me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

It's interesting... or maybe it's not

how I always think of things to blog about at work, and I always think, "I will not forget this by the time I get to my computer," and then I do. So here am I, with a head full of thoughts, but nothing to say.

Anyways. Last night was such a fantastic night, I spent 7 hours hanging out with the three of the greatest people ever. Went to the basketball game, Newells, and Drubers. (: It gave me hope in humanity again. And it was nice to laugh. For pretty much the first time all semester.

Today I have two papers to write, an article to read, and two days of math homework to do. And... I'm not interested. lol. I'm actually reading my uncle's third book instead. They're so so so fantastic. And really quick reads, so that's nice. It's hard not having unlimited time to read. I did just read Tell All by Chuck Palahniuk though. It was so great.

So anyways, I really want some macaroni.

Love elyse.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The day is never dark enough.

A few things that have been on my mind lately... But I suppose we'll see where I begin. My thoughts are kind of jumbled today.

Some days, I feel weak for no reason. There is nothing to do today. No tutoring, no journaling, nothing on my computer. And that just leaves me feeling bored and annoyed. And then I figured I would sleep, but I wasn't tired enough to sleep. And I know I need to go work out, but I'm just not interested today. I'm not tired enough to sleep, but too tired to work out. :/ It's a horrible in-between. Which leads me to my point. I feel weak. For no reason. But here we are. I figured I'd give in and blog about it, which tends to happen faster than journaling, instead of walking around, running my head into walls.

I can tell I'm on a very fine line right now, and I'm concentrating very hard on not crossing that line. I'm just bored, really. I'm fine besides that. I just fall into a kind of stupor if I don't have anything to keep me busy. To keep my hands busy, my mind busy. But some days that doesn't even matter.


Friday, February 3, 2012

I'm feelin' a little bit better.

Even though all I want to do is eat a million sugar cookies. lol.

And I have a math test today :(

Thursday, February 2, 2012

i hope you don't smile when i'm sad.

I have no good way to introduce this idea that's just come swimming into my head, so I'm just going to jump into it and hope that it makes sense. And even if it doesn't... love me anyway. I need it. :/

I think there are too many versions of myself. I think I have so many different people in my head who claim to be me, that when I really focus on one, I lose track of another. And how can I have all these different parts of myself without some being noticeable?

So obviously, it's been a really crappy couple days. And I'm trying my hardest to pull myself out of this, because people always say half the battle is in your head... but you know what? It's really hard. It's so hard to pull myself out of this. I want to apologize for being nasty, but I honestly think it was warranted after so long of me just sitting here, taking this shitty "friendship." The day is so grey and lonely. I feel like I'm in Annie. But you know what? What if the sun doesn't come out tomorrow? What if I'm like this forever? Always wondering what will actually happen, only halfway giving it my all because I'm too afraid it isn't what I thought it would be all this time.

And I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I threw my God-self away. My relationship with God is nowhere to be found, and it breaks my heart. I know I shouldn't, but I get so afraid He loves me less. And I know that's not true, I know that will never be true. But when your heart hurts the way my heart hurts and you feel as though you're in a downward spiral with no end in sight, it really feels like you're alone. When you're arguing with everybody and can't sleep because you can't imagine facing another day in this "life," sometimes all you have to do is just cry. When I was downstairs just a few minutes ago, I ran into a friend who told me he's going to be speaking in chapel about fear. And about how Paul, even when he was literally chained to the wall in prison, didn't lose his faith. And he prayed. But he didn't pray that he could be free, that he could get out. Instead he prayed that he could fearlessly preach Jesus' name. What am I praying for?

Nothing seems to be going according to plan, and when I used to think about my life, I had all the power in the world to create something worth remembering, worth living in the first place. And now all I can do is sit around and shrug because I have no idea. I don't feel inspired or wanted by the world (except for her) and no place, no thing seems worth anything. This is one of those rare depressions that seeps into your skin and lingers for a long long time. It's the kind of sadness sleep does not touch, does not change. It's the kind fun things might distract, if only momentarily.

It's the kind of thing that literally leaves me thinking of ways to escape. But you know what? You can never run very far from yourself.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

hey man.

So I was just sitting in class today, thinking about my life, contemplating this stupid brief chance I get at making something matter, and in the midst of all of that... I realized it's high time I start using this blog again.
I made my other one in the very middle of a high-drama, high-anger time, and that's really the vibe I'm still getting from that blog. I am not ever interested in posting, and I just feel more at home on this one, I suppose.
So anyways, that explains my somewhat abrupt return to This Just In.

To catch you guys up, here are the happenings of my life:
1. I actually just got the call that I was finally hired as a barista at the coffee tent at Interlochen. All I can say is, after 4 years of begging, omg finally. lol.
2. I am very very very much in love. (: It's almost been a trip down memory-lane recently, but I was reading through my old journals and my old posts on here and... yeah. I was always nervous I wasn't actually in love and something better, more powerful, stronger, something I'd rather fight for, would come along and I'd be completed instead of finding a puzzle piece that sort of fits if you kind of wiggle it and then pound it down and pretend you don't notice that it doesn't fit right. And apparently I had a right to be so. It's been over a year and we are stronger than ever.<3 <3 <3
3. I'm not going back to school next year. (: Current roommate and bffffff, Rach, and I are moving to Boulder, Colorado and not coming back. lol. Ever. But seriously, we're getting an apartment and working for a year. Then going to the University of Colorado at Boulder in the fall of 2013. Everybody I talk to says that's a place I'm really going to shine. Well, I sincerely hope so. I'm tired of explaining my personality to all the clones out here.
4. I did my year without meat, and now I'm occassionally eating a little bit. I'll still probably choose the vegetarian dish, but I'm not completely cutting it off. It's nice to feel accomplished and free. At least in that one aspect of my life.
5. I'm on a super weight loss kick. Blahh. It's been three weeks, and it took a little while to adjust to it, but now it's totally rad. I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but seriously... I have a good excuse for this past week, lol. But seriously, it's a super kick. Not just a kick, a super one.
6. And of course, some things never change... journaling<3. reading<3. movies<3. maybe that one's new. (:

Whatever, working on defining myself, working on being happy in such a grey place. Forever uncertain.

-elyse... or someone like it.