Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
with the lights off
on a friday night
i feel like i'm writing a suicide note.
i might as well be for the way my heart aches.
i haven't felt like this in over a year.
i don't like this feeling.
this torment of not being the most important person.
i tried talking to three people about it.
i want to talk to you, but i know you wouldn't understand.
why do i want this as badly as i do?
why is it such a big deal to me?
why can't i just let this go and go back to the way things were before?
there is no reason.
i don't know where to go, so i'm standing still.
i'm scared of what my heart is telling me.
i'm scared of the emotions i feel.
i'm scared that this is as serious to me as it is.
i'm scared that i'm so heartbroken about it.
and i'm really scared i'm going to stay like this.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
the kind of girl who doesn't sweat.
the kind of girl who would hold hands with strange guys while walking a mile.
the kind of girl who would jump on guys' backs, even if it is for a game.
the kind of girl who would talk on the phone just to talk on the phone.
the kind of girl who would survive being alone.
But I did.
College is such a different experience than high school was. Or even summer camp. In addition to taking classes I actually want to pay attention to, I signed up for flute and guitar lessons. I've played mod volleyball, which we dominated at. (: It's my roommate's birthday so we just ordered 10 pizzas and we're having a sister-mod party here in a little bit. I've been eating apples instead of iced cream. The only thing on my floor here is shoes. I've called Mom twice in two days. I've made friends. I love it here. I really do.
Mom, you can stop worrying now.
However... some things that are not so great:
* having to lock up my bike when I get back to campus.
* having to lock my room so nobody steals my laptop. And...
* that computer lock daddy bought me and then never showed me how to use. The directions make less sense that Swahili to me.
* using the facilities. Public restrooms suck hardcore.
* I've had stomach cramps since I got here. I'm not sure if it's the switch of food, or of temperature, or what's going on. But they hurt. :/ It might be menstrual-related. But I'm thinking of taking medicine regardless.
* worrying that the milk in my refrigorator is going to go bad before I can use all of it.
* my phone charger comes unplugged when I sleep. :(
Granted, none of these are huge problems. But they're huge enough that I feel like complaining here.
Although there are some things that suck, there are some good things:
* my dorm/mod/sister mod. There is always music playing really loudly with all the doors open, so it's like a big house party all the time. Not to mention, there are some really cool girls here.
* the guys. don't get me wrong, I love Drew and I want him forever. I mean the guys as friends. I've made a few so far: Vincent (who has a 'fro and the sweetest aura), sooooomebody I don't remember his name lol (who asked me to tutor him in film... on the first day), Michael (Who calls me 'Princess'), and Ben (who forgot my name once and now makes it a point to say hi every time he sees me.).
* the freedom. I can, to some extent, do whatever I want, go whereever I want, and stay wherever I want however long I want to. It's interesting to feel like there aren't strict rules. I'll get used to it eventually.
I do miss Kallen, Shelby, Drew, and my (now kind of extended) family. That includes you, Aaron. (: It's nice to have something to look forward to each day as I run down to the student center to check my mailbox. It's awesome to have classes that I don't want to just journal through. And also, it sucks. I miss you all, but I love you toooooo (:
I have mod volleyball round 2 in an hour (I told you we dominated), and then bed relatively early because I have an 8:00 tomorrow morning. *gag*
What I'm trying to say is... I'm having a great time.
i'm not trying to rub it in.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am not as horribly tired as before. (: Probably because I got some excersize today.
I went on a bike ride around town as I talked to Mom on the phone, and I just got
back from playing Mod Volleyball. (: I was going mostly because my RA, Liz, told us
we needed as many people as possible to look intimidating. So I went. Playing sports
in front of other people scares the living poop out of me. But I did it. And it ended up
being one of the most fun things I've done here so far. (:
In about ten minutes I need to actually put clothes on instead of just sitting here in my
towel, and go take a computer competency exam to see if I need to take the computer
class. If not, I get to return a $200 book! Keep your fingers crossed for me. (: After
that, it's second floor movie mondays. I'm not sure what we're watching, but I've been informed there will be food. Tomorrow I have fitness concepts and (if I don't pass :( ) intro to computers. Tomorrow seems like it might be a pretty great day. We'll see, I guess.
In other news, I'm making friends. People here are friendly, if not 100% inclusive. But as of now, things are good.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Then again... classes haven't started. But IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD...
I'm scared out of my mind. :( But whatever. I'm catching up in my journal, making friends, finishing organizing my room, listening to music, writing letters, texting my man... things are okay. (:
However, i miss this kid.
And i miss this beaaaaaaaautiful lady, my very best friend, Shelby. (: What's such a pretty girl doing with me?
and of course, my very favorite sister! i miss her with a burning passion.
also, i'm a dinosaur in this picture. (:
Friday, August 20, 2010
not much of anything to do with college life at all, but isn't this the best picture in the world??? (:
ANYWAYS. I'm so unbelievably exhausted, but in about half an hour, my mod is going out to Druber's to celebrate two girls' birthdays. So I kind of have to go since one of them is my roommate.
As for college, when I first got here, I wore my sunglasses all the time. Not because it was particularly sunny, but because I needed the time to swallow my tears. It was so uncomfortable and miserable. I didn't know anyone, but I felt like everyone else was already friends. I didn't know how to approach people, which hasn't been a problem of mine in years. I just wanted Mom and Daddy to take me back home so I could HP with Shelby and Kallen, which is what they were doing as I was getting "settled in." I was just so miserable and afraid. I wanted to run into Drew's arm and cry into his shirt until everything was better. (If you're reading this, I love you and I miss you more than anything. :/) Since that wasn't an option, Shelby coached me through life for a while there via texting. I ended up making a few friends so far. Thank poop! But I eventually got into the swing of things. Or at least pretended to be in the swing of things. It was easier once I wasn't being prodded by Mom and Daddy. I know they mean well, but they were making everything way too structured. Once they went to Walmart and I was on my own, I found people I could hang out with comfortably.
While I'm still not super comfortable (will I ever be in a dorm?), I am not uncomfortable anymore. It's strange to have sophomores outside my room causing a ruckus, but go figure... It's just like living down at the beach again. Except surprisingly, my room is bigger. I have some new pillows and sheets and a new blanket, new dishes, new fridge... things are a-changing. But I have more hope now than I did earlier. (:
Monday, August 16, 2010
as i'm swimming through the stereo
Sunday, August 15, 2010
it was nice to have a week with my friends, but it's even nicer to be home.
i feel so at peace with the world.
aside from the fact that i'm kind of freaking out about college.
i feel cute and fun and interesting.
tonight i'm just planning on hanging out... tomorrow i'm going to see grandma. :/ she's not doing well at all.
woke up late... as always (:
boys went to the Parthenon and an army surplus store. sheesh.
girls got ready for the day. and then... Amy's dumb GPS was being, well, dumb and couldn't find any of the addresses we had, so it kept setting itself en route to Alabama. which was, you know... wrong. after becoming extremely aggravated, we went back home.
the 4 of us went out to eat at Chili's because we had a gift card. It was really mediocre food. :/ but the dessert was amazing. (:
we headed downtown to find gifts for our (favorite) family members. (; and then
hid in a closet from shelby and aaron with my honey because i was scared. :(
talked it out with her,
went to a strip clubbbb. (:
as we walked in, and saw these girls up on stage, i immediately thought, "this is somebody's little girl." and i just felt icky. but as we stayed there, and watched a ridiculous number of creepy guys throw money at these girls, we talked to more and more of them. and they kind of explained that they liked it, or they "needed" to for financial reasons. i still couldn't shake my uneasiness about how casual it was though. i just didn't grow up that way. anyways, it was fun, and we became friends with 2 girls: Jesse, and Raquel. Jesse was cute as can be, with a gorgeous little body and naturally red hair, who was unbelievably strong. I was impressed. Raquel didn't so much strip as run around taking her clothes off like a 5 year old looking for laughs. She was real cute though. Made you smile. (: When she came up and talked to us, she decided it was necessary to grope my best friend, and give her just a few kisses. lol. on the mouth. lol. i don't think Shelby even knew what to do. it was quite amusing, to say the least. (: we left around 2 to go home and get some sleep for the ride home.
which was today...
came home. weeeeeee. (:
Friday, August 13, 2010
but sometimes i really need a response... it wasn't hypothetical this time.
ate breakfast/lunch (:
burned some cookies :(
more Kroger runs, if I remember correctly.
took Gran to her hair appointment in the pouring rain.
went to Goodwill for a while.
after a quick drink stop at McDonald's,
Shelb and I got massages (: How come she always gets the sexy black guy and I always get the chubby woman with facial hair?!? EVERY TIME.
after massages, we went straight downtown so I could finally get my eyebrow pierced. I was worried what the boys would think, but they seem to like it. I LOVE it, and I got pierced by such a beautiful woman: Betty Ann from LA Ink Season 4 (I believe). She was so wonderful. (: I could feel it being ripped through my freaking skin, but other than that, it was painless. lol.
once that was over, we were STARVING, and we decided to go home to get cute before going to Hooters. (:
when we got home, the power was out! so we had to go out the way we were. :(
Anyways... Hooters was wonderful.
The boys were both first timers, but I think they liked it. We had a perfect, wonderful waitress. (: Her name was Jessica. Finally a Jessica I liked. lol.
When we went home, we were really excited for electricity. but no! :( the power was still out. the whole house was cluttered with candles, so it would have been really romantic had it not been like, 200 degress. :( it was miserable. and it continued to be that way until SEVEN THIS MORNING.
woke up gross. ugh.
went to Hot Diggity Dog, this cute little Chicago-style hot dog joint. It was so great, and I'm not really one for hot dogs.
Walked around downtown. Shopped. Ate iced cream. (: It was a nice day. If by nice, you understand I mean 103 degrees.
Came home. (:
Chilling before going out to eat with Mel, Gran, and Amy. (:
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Shelby and Aaron played computer games all afternoon while
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Many lines have been crossed so far this vacation. (:
It's fun to hang out with the boys and get ready with my bestie. As we were getting ready today, I noticed we are polar opposites when it comes to looks.
Me: green eyes.
Shelby: brown eyes.
Me: blonde, short, straight hair.
Shelby: brunette, long, curly hair.
Shelby: no freckles.
Me: short. (and aaron won't let me forget it.)
Drive down. (:
Had a glorious nappy.
Went to Zanie's Comedy Club to see John Caparulo from Chelsea Lately. (:
Scrounged for some breakfast cereal. lol.
Went to Whole Foods and spent around $60 on things we didn't need. (: Ate pizza and gelato for lunch, which was delicioussss.
Took a break from the heat to relax a little bit.
Went on a search for a Goodwill, but it was out of business. :(
On the way home, we stopped at an adult superstore, The Lion's Den. Which had the most amazing employees I've ever met. So hilarious and not awkward. It was a lot of fun, but also totally weird. (: In a good way.
Went swimming in the community pool. Felt so delicious on my skin.
Ate amazing steak and baked potatoes that Shelby's FABULOUS aunt made for us, and watched Sweet Home Alabama on the outdoor patio.
Hung out with our boys until it was time for sleep (:
Went to The Pancake Pantry, which blew our freaking minds.
Walked around 21st street, checking out little shops, dying a slow and painful death in the unbelievable heat.
Went home to relax.
Went to Phonoluxe, this retro CD/vinyl/dvd/vhs/cassette tape store, and found some neat stuff. (:
Walmart to buy iced cream and cereal.
Home to relax and watch Taking Lives before running around Nashville (:
Went to Wildhorse Saloon and ate a little bit, and had some fun line dancing. I wish anybody else here appreciated country music the way I do. Not that I love it... I just know it and like it enough that it's so much fun to be here, where country music is HUGE. I just feel like they all think I'm obnoxious for loving line dancing and singing along and stuff. I don't know.
Went to HUSTLER. You have to at least once, right? (:
Now we're watching Bedazzled. (: We're so awesome.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
we got here safely, around 3 p.m., organized our charts of things to do while we're here, and took a glorious nappy. We're in the process (I'm obviously waiting my turn) of taking showers before we go to a comedy club. I love my friends and I love the way this trip makes me feel.
My gang of friends is the kind of gang I was always jealous of. (: I'm excited to do all sorts of wonderful this week. we're 4 crazy teenagers, after all (3 technically). (:
I guess I will keep this updated, as that is the meaning I started it.
Seems pretty dumb, as only one person reads it... and she's one room away from me. Whatever.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
*I wish he hadn't heard me say that today. I really don't mean it. He's my favorite, and I hate that I hurt him. Don't tell me it was for attention. Attention doesn't make your eyes that red.
*After so long, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. It hasn't even been terribly long, but things have changed so much between us. I'm awkward and scared. I don't like to show her how I really feel. God, help us.<3
*I'm scared he'll fall out of love with me. It hit me that he could be the one to end up breaking my heart today. I hope he loves me as much as he did the first time.
*I love being the girl I am to him. Especially cheering him on while he's trannying it up and sharing my makeup and nail polish remover with him. I'm proud of him. I could try not to be, but there's no point. He is amazing and perfect. He is my psuedo little brother. I care about him. I worry about him. I get proud of him and shout his fucking name to the heavens. I love him more than I've loved any one of them these past 4 years. It scares me he'll be gone forever. I'm not sure if my heart could handle that right now. After all... Stephen broke my heart.
I feel empty and angry. I miss Drew with the impossibility of finding the most miniscule shard of glass. I miss him with my eyes and my hands and my lips. I miss his smile and his voice. and i shouldn't miss him this much after only 10 hours.
But I do.
I miss him like he's gone away to sea and I will wait at the shore for him to come back. I miss him as badly as I cried in the shower that day. I miss him I miss him I miss him.
This summer has been full of interesting things. And yet?
I feel unfulfilled.
*Friday Night Live
*Third Cooler Meetings, AKA getting crunk in the cooler. (:
it's time for a change. it really is. it is so overdue. I found a blog yesterday of this woman who was feeling the same way I am right now, and she inspired me. I will explain more once I know the details. But things are going to be interesting, dammit.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
this summer has passed so quickly, and i'm really antsy about moving out of it.
in other news... i'm going lappy shopping today, and tonight my honey and i are going out on a typical date. (: i think it'll be okay.
except that dylan just left and i'm heartbroken.