I Just Don't Know.

Drew and I regularly remind each other that in just a few short weeks, we will get to see each other every day. While I'm excited, I'm also terrified. Every summer I find that one guy who I decide is my "love interest." Although I've obviously never fallen in love with any of these guys, it has always been fun to see who I can get to buy me drinks or ask for my number or who will go out of their way to talk to me. And this summer... I can't do that.

When we first started dating, I figured this was just a fun relationship until college. And then things got more serious. Not serious, but more serious than I thought they would get. And that was okay. And the more things keep going now, I do love him in certain ways. I really do. However... now I'm wondering if it would be better if I just left a good thing a good thing until waiting until we fall apart and we're both miserable from missing each other. I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him for a while. But honestly? I'm not sure if I can see us together in a year (with both of us being satisfied with this...).

Anyways. Today I think I am mostly just hanging out until I get my shots done for college, and Shelby and I are going shopping for supplies for our Annual Picnic tomorrow. (: Currently, the menu consists of: chocolate covered strawberries, bagel sandwiches, cinnamon rolls, and sparkling fruit juice. I feel like maybe we need one other thing. But I'm not so sure. Ideas?

The good news is, I've been really making an effort to go to church lately, and I think it's paying off. I feel a little bit closer to God, and I appreciate the support from all of you girls. Thank you so much.

Kansas- The Prologue.

Before I say anything... it's Fill-In-The-Blank Friday!!! However, I'm cheating and doing something a little bit different. (:
Friday The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
1. My Beautiful Rescue by This Provicence.
2. There's A Reason the Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of That Yet by Panic! at the Disco.
3. Eet by Regina Spektor.
4. Alone by Sanctus Real.
5. BBQ Stain by Tim McGraw (I think... :/)

Mostly because I love all of them. Who needs a better reason. (:


MOVING ON.

Sometimes I worry I made the wrong decision to go to Hesston.
And then I come out here, and it's like God has said, "Child, I will hold your doubts. Do good unto My name." And I'm prepared for anything with that breath behind me. Thank you for your reassurance, God.


I'm reading this book called The Sacred Romance, which I think I've already talked about... But it's getting good. I just read something I thought I'd throw out into the universe:

"However the Haunting comes, it often brings with it a bitterspeet poigancy of ache, the sense that we stood at a crossroads somewhere in the past and chose a turning that left some shining part of ourselves- perhaps the best part- behind, left it behind with the passion of youthful love, or the calling of a heart vocation, or simply in the sigh of coming to terms with the mundane requirements of life."


I suppose this is the only way to share how I feel sometimes. So trapped in the past that I can't seem to move forward.

As you girls know, I've been struggling with my faith. I can't seem to find any passion for God and I just feel very small in a world with no clue as to which direction to turn. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to light my fire again, but it's not producing very many results.

As with lovers, maybe I'm just going through a bit of a rough patch. But that thought terrifies me. How can the one "person" who completely understands my soul and loves me in spite of my shortcomings be so disconnected from me? Or at least FEEL so disconnected from me? I don't like the idea that God isn't breathing into my soul every moment of every day. But lately I don't feel the joy I used to about this kind of thing. And maybe it's just like in a normal relationship, where you get used to something and you have to look for ways to keep the romance alive. However... God is the one "person" I know is my true soul mate. And it's heartbreaking to think that maybe I'm growing accustomed to Him. I don't want to grow accustomed. I want to be surprised at every turn.
I want him to take my breath away.


God... I need You now more than I have in a long time. It's not easy to be myself without You. I need You to fight for me. I really, really do. Amen.