Tired Eyes.

hooommeee. (:



it was nice to have a week with my friends, but it's even nicer to be home.



i feel so at peace with the world.

aside from the fact that i'm kind of freaking out about college.





i feel cute and fun and interesting.



finally. (:



tonight i'm just planning on hanging out... tomorrow i'm going to see grandma. :/ she's not doing well at all.



anyways...

DAY 8
woke up late... as always (:
boys went to the Parthenon and an army surplus store. sheesh.
girls got ready for the day. and then... Amy's dumb GPS was being, well, dumb and couldn't find any of the addresses we had, so it kept setting itself en route to Alabama. which was, you know... wrong. after becoming extremely aggravated, we went back home.
the 4 of us went out to eat at Chili's because we had a gift card. It was really mediocre food. :/ but the dessert was amazing. (:
we headed downtown to find gifts for our (favorite) family members. (; and then
went home.
relaxed.
hid in a closet from shelby and aaron with my honey because i was scared. :(
talked it out with her,
went to a strip clubbbb. (:

as we walked in, and saw these girls up on stage, i immediately thought, "this is somebody's little girl." and i just felt icky. but as we stayed there, and watched a ridiculous number of creepy guys throw money at these girls, we talked to more and more of them. and they kind of explained that they liked it, or they "needed" to for financial reasons. i still couldn't shake my uneasiness about how casual it was though. i just didn't grow up that way. anyways, it was fun, and we became friends with 2 girls: Jesse, and Raquel. Jesse was cute as can be, with a gorgeous little body and naturally red hair, who was unbelievably strong. I was impressed. Raquel didn't so much strip as run around taking her clothes off like a 5 year old looking for laughs. She was real cute though. Made you smile. (: When she came up and talked to us, she decided it was necessary to grope my best friend, and give her just a few kisses. lol. on the mouth. lol. i don't think Shelby even knew what to do. it was quite amusing, to say the least. (: we left around 2 to go home and get some sleep for the ride home.
which was today...

DAY 9
came home. weeeeeee. (:

In Other News.

I love him. (:

i really do.

here

i've never felt this way before. it physically hurts me sometimes and makes me crinkle my eyebrows and just hold on to him. it makes me feel like flying sometimes. like i own the world and nothing i do could possibly fail. it makes me nervous, makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me skip and jump around like a little girl. he completely owns my heart.

Hopefully every entry from now on will not be like that. (: But that's what's going on lately. In addition...

* Interesting work relationships. It's funny how things change.

* Getting things set for Tennessee and college. Life is making nervous... it will never be the same again. And I think that's okay.

* Extreme Midget Wrestling... yes. I went to that last night. And it was the greatest thing ever. My baby and I ordered tickets online, went to this trashy club in a shady part of town, and got crazy dumb bracelets at the door. And watched midgets wrestle. If you ever get the chance... GO. It was so amazingly hilarious. (:

* I'm trying to plan something cute for me and Drew's 10 month on Monday. We'll see how that goes, I guess. I love him. I really do. (:

Don't You Forget About Me.

i talked about him tonight. it was hard. but i did it. it's hard for me to admit that i still can't breathe when i think about him. it's not fair.

but go figure.

i don't know what i want anymore. i simply don't know. and i'll probably be selfish about it. which... is not fair either. but, again, go figure.

why is it that sometimes the hardest decisions are the most insignificant ones? i didn't really stress about picking a college. but i stress about which journal to use next. i guess it's easier to pretend the simple things are the most difficult sometimes. it helps us all stay sane.

hey elyse? i think it's time to face yourself again.

1. you will fit in eventually.

2. it's okay to be emotional.

3. you are allowed to have fun.

4. make sure you breathe in the new day. there is so much more out there.

5. don't stop being the girl who carries flowers.

It's Possible.

welcome to the world, elyse.



it occurred to me today that things could be beautiful.





i've been spending a lot of time lately trying to figure out how I feel about everything. not everything in general, but everything individually and in its own detail. and i can't figure out what I want to do. about anything.




the other day shelby and i were talking about both just up and bailing on college to work together and open a catering business. i know it's not going to happen.




but what if i had enough guts to take the chance?

click.

Kansas- The Prologue.

Before I say anything... it's Fill-In-The-Blank Friday!!! However, I'm cheating and doing something a little bit different. (:
Friday The five songs you would have with you on a desert island and why.
1. My Beautiful Rescue by This Provicence.
2. There's A Reason the Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of That Yet by Panic! at the Disco.
3. Eet by Regina Spektor.
4. Alone by Sanctus Real.
5. BBQ Stain by Tim McGraw (I think... :/)

Mostly because I love all of them. Who needs a better reason. (:


MOVING ON.

Sometimes I worry I made the wrong decision to go to Hesston.
And then I come out here, and it's like God has said, "Child, I will hold your doubts. Do good unto My name." And I'm prepared for anything with that breath behind me. Thank you for your reassurance, God.


I'm reading this book called The Sacred Romance, which I think I've already talked about... But it's getting good. I just read something I thought I'd throw out into the universe:

"However the Haunting comes, it often brings with it a bitterspeet poigancy of ache, the sense that we stood at a crossroads somewhere in the past and chose a turning that left some shining part of ourselves- perhaps the best part- behind, left it behind with the passion of youthful love, or the calling of a heart vocation, or simply in the sigh of coming to terms with the mundane requirements of life."


I suppose this is the only way to share how I feel sometimes. So trapped in the past that I can't seem to move forward.

As you girls know, I've been struggling with my faith. I can't seem to find any passion for God and I just feel very small in a world with no clue as to which direction to turn. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to light my fire again, but it's not producing very many results.

As with lovers, maybe I'm just going through a bit of a rough patch. But that thought terrifies me. How can the one "person" who completely understands my soul and loves me in spite of my shortcomings be so disconnected from me? Or at least FEEL so disconnected from me? I don't like the idea that God isn't breathing into my soul every moment of every day. But lately I don't feel the joy I used to about this kind of thing. And maybe it's just like in a normal relationship, where you get used to something and you have to look for ways to keep the romance alive. However... God is the one "person" I know is my true soul mate. And it's heartbreaking to think that maybe I'm growing accustomed to Him. I don't want to grow accustomed. I want to be surprised at every turn.
I want him to take my breath away.


God... I need You now more than I have in a long time. It's not easy to be myself without You. I need You to fight for me. I really, really do. Amen.