i hope you don't smile when i'm sad.

I have no good way to introduce this idea that's just come swimming into my head, so I'm just going to jump into it and hope that it makes sense. And even if it doesn't... love me anyway. I need it. :/

I think there are too many versions of myself. I think I have so many different people in my head who claim to be me, that when I really focus on one, I lose track of another. And how can I have all these different parts of myself without some being noticeable?

So obviously, it's been a really crappy couple days. And I'm trying my hardest to pull myself out of this, because people always say half the battle is in your head... but you know what? It's really hard. It's so hard to pull myself out of this. I want to apologize for being nasty, but I honestly think it was warranted after so long of me just sitting here, taking this shitty "friendship." The day is so grey and lonely. I feel like I'm in Annie. But you know what? What if the sun doesn't come out tomorrow? What if I'm like this forever? Always wondering what will actually happen, only halfway giving it my all because I'm too afraid it isn't what I thought it would be all this time.

And I think a big part of it has to do with the fact that I threw my God-self away. My relationship with God is nowhere to be found, and it breaks my heart. I know I shouldn't, but I get so afraid He loves me less. And I know that's not true, I know that will never be true. But when your heart hurts the way my heart hurts and you feel as though you're in a downward spiral with no end in sight, it really feels like you're alone. When you're arguing with everybody and can't sleep because you can't imagine facing another day in this "life," sometimes all you have to do is just cry. When I was downstairs just a few minutes ago, I ran into a friend who told me he's going to be speaking in chapel about fear. And about how Paul, even when he was literally chained to the wall in prison, didn't lose his faith. And he prayed. But he didn't pray that he could be free, that he could get out. Instead he prayed that he could fearlessly preach Jesus' name. What am I praying for?

Nothing seems to be going according to plan, and when I used to think about my life, I had all the power in the world to create something worth remembering, worth living in the first place. And now all I can do is sit around and shrug because I have no idea. I don't feel inspired or wanted by the world (except for her) and no place, no thing seems worth anything. This is one of those rare depressions that seeps into your skin and lingers for a long long time. It's the kind of sadness sleep does not touch, does not change. It's the kind fun things might distract, if only momentarily.

It's the kind of thing that literally leaves me thinking of ways to escape. But you know what? You can never run very far from yourself.

well i feel like shit.

bye<3

hey man.

So I was just sitting in class today, thinking about my life, contemplating this stupid brief chance I get at making something matter, and in the midst of all of that... I realized it's high time I start using this blog again.
I made my other one in the very middle of a high-drama, high-anger time, and that's really the vibe I'm still getting from that blog. I am not ever interested in posting, and I just feel more at home on this one, I suppose.
So anyways, that explains my somewhat abrupt return to This Just In.

To catch you guys up, here are the happenings of my life:
1. I actually just got the call that I was finally hired as a barista at the coffee tent at Interlochen. All I can say is, after 4 years of begging, omg finally. lol.
2. I am very very very much in love. (: It's almost been a trip down memory-lane recently, but I was reading through my old journals and my old posts on here and... yeah. I was always nervous I wasn't actually in love and something better, more powerful, stronger, something I'd rather fight for, would come along and I'd be completed instead of finding a puzzle piece that sort of fits if you kind of wiggle it and then pound it down and pretend you don't notice that it doesn't fit right. And apparently I had a right to be so. It's been over a year and we are stronger than ever.<3 <3 <3
3. I'm not going back to school next year. (: Current roommate and bffffff, Rach, and I are moving to Boulder, Colorado and not coming back. lol. Ever. But seriously, we're getting an apartment and working for a year. Then going to the University of Colorado at Boulder in the fall of 2013. Everybody I talk to says that's a place I'm really going to shine. Well, I sincerely hope so. I'm tired of explaining my personality to all the clones out here.
4. I did my year without meat, and now I'm occassionally eating a little bit. I'll still probably choose the vegetarian dish, but I'm not completely cutting it off. It's nice to feel accomplished and free. At least in that one aspect of my life.
5. I'm on a super weight loss kick. Blahh. It's been three weeks, and it took a little while to adjust to it, but now it's totally rad. I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but seriously... I have a good excuse for this past week, lol. But seriously, it's a super kick. Not just a kick, a super one.
6. And of course, some things never change... journaling<3. reading<3. movies<3. maybe that one's new. (:

Whatever, working on defining myself, working on being happy in such a grey place. Forever uncertain.

-elyse... or someone like it.

i'm so antsy!!!!!

i can't wait.

life is so beautiful and perfect lately. <3 <3

i hope you have fun at your wedding

without me.











really.

























there is nobody like you.

lately

i love her. i do i do.

i've been trying to stay busy. today mom woke me up around noon, i ate lunch, kals and i walked into town, hung out in the church watching youtube videos on her phone and looking at i-spy books in the library. (: ashton's grad party, fazolli's with kristi and kals(:, baggage and nail painting with kals... then sam and cody came over and hung out for a while. now i'm just eating an orange, watching chelsea lately, and ripping pink floyd to my computer. (: happy as i could be right now i guess.


i miss her. i miss her i miss her i miss her. <3

well hellllloooooooo

Hanging out in Ohio... already. :/
Then I'm going to Tulsa to see my baby in 9 days. :D
Visiting Jen, Caitlin, Drew, maybe Emily.
I'm excited to have my own plans this summer.

I'm watching too many movies and eating too many doritos.
There are too many bad words in my journal.
and my sleeping hours are already messed up.

Sounds like summer to me. (:

so hey...

today sucks.






Merry Christmas, everyone.

i shouldn't be updating this one anymore.

but i just have to say...



i am so crazy. sighsighsighsighsigh. (:

i never thought ... so many things like this before.



i'm going to tell everyone who tells me i'm going to hell to stfu. so there.

heygirlhey.

i've noticed you're looking to replace me.

but everytime someone asks me who my best friend is...



i tell them i'll never have one again. i couldn't find that again.






i want to go back to Kansas now, please.