so hey...

today sucks.






Merry Christmas, everyone.

i shouldn't be updating this one anymore.

but i just have to say...



i am so crazy. sighsighsighsighsigh. (:

i never thought ... so many things like this before.



i'm going to tell everyone who tells me i'm going to hell to stfu. so there.

heygirlhey.

i've noticed you're looking to replace me.

but everytime someone asks me who my best friend is...



i tell them i'll never have one again. i couldn't find that again.






i want to go back to Kansas now, please.

if you still read this.

i just wanted to say hey...

things are good on this end.

my grades are good, my plans for Christmas are all figured out.
my room is great.
flute is still stupid, but go figure.
i had a dream drew and i were back together. it destroyed my day.
i'm busy. i'm studying. i'm whatever.
i'm going out on a blind/double date on saturday night.
and also, there's like, 4 guys that are in love with me.

i don't understand when i started being this person. but i don't mind. (:

i skipped class tonight to go support my RA play basketball.

things are okay. i still wish i felt more a part of things. but i'm okay where i am.

(: thanks for today.

i can't go back.

i don't want nothing






but i can't do everything anymore.

i'm being demanding.

fridays are great.
friday nights are especially great.
especially when we closed the perk early.
and it is stormy.
and he asked me about ben.
and i found out he said yes immediately. (:
and i have my room to myself.



i am being such a typical giggly girl.
but apparently it's all part of my charm.


i'm glad you're from oklahoma.
















don't you forget about me. please. at least not yet. :/

in case you were wondering.

this is not easy for me.
i still miss you.
i still care about you.
i still worry about you.
i still wish.
i still wish.

instead of letting myself cry, i swallow the enormous lump in my throat
i get every time i think of this situation. and i do something with someone
that will hopefully take my mind off the nagging feeling that i need to
make myself throw up. or burn myself again. or take an entire bottle of
pills. or hurt myself more than this situation hurts me.


this is what my life has become lately.
why do you think i stopped taking naps?
you're there every time.

but it's hard.

i never wanted to hurt you.
but i absolutely cannot go back to the way things were.

i need to focus my eyes on a blank spot
and plaster on a smile

until i start to believe it.

it's unbelievably hard.

but i can't make myself ignore everything. i used to.
but so much has happened and so much has torn me down
and made me angry. and helpless. and guilty.
i miss everything.
but i can't make myself ignore it.







and for that, i'm sorry.

all the songs that used to make me cry

make me smile now.




i used to be different.











Chicago first, right?

stuffffffffffffff.

so hey. haha. i love my mod.


also...


there is a nice country boy here (:

i'm awfully tired.

it's so good to be back.




i love my family and my girls back home
but nothing compares to the way i feel here.

i belong here.

i knew it the moment i stepped on campus
and i knew it the moment i woke up and was hit with the sudden realization that
I Could Not Possibly Pass This Up.


and i'm glad i haven't.




you girls are changing my life.

there are so many things i still want to say.

i just need to be angry
and upset
and bitter
for a while.

but i think in a while.
i'd be willing to try again.

and it's a really horrible time for me to decide i need this.
but i can't go back.
maybe we can start over.
in a couple weeks or something.

but for now.
i'm just not ready.



i think maybe this will give me strength.
i sincerely hope so.
because i've never felt weaker in my life.

here








why doesn't he love me anymore?

breaking point.

i am stressed to the point of breaking
i slammed doors
i yelled at dad on the phone
i sat in my closet and cried
i should be excited for fall break
but i'm being pulled in so many directions,
i'd rather just stay here
than have to deal with all these stupid changes
and everybody being
upset
or disappointed
or angry
with or at me.




it's a good thing i'm not going home for thanksgiving.
i can only imagine what would happen.


gee, i can't WAIT for Christmas.

Uninterested.

here

i can't think of anything to do that would take the place of this boring emptiness that has consumed me.

kallen, i'm ready when you are.

<--------------

some history.

in case you were wondering, i started this blog to keep track of and share my faith all those months ago. it recently came to my attention that this blog is extremely lacking in faith. i need to refocus my attention.

i've begun to change. i know everybody changes in college, but i think i've changed in a way that is very different. i didn't expect this. and it's going to be hard. but i'm willing to try. i have a great group of girls supporting me here.

here are some things about my faith lately:
1. i'm beginning to worry about this relationship, and how it fits in with my faith.
i feel like maybe we're not strong enough to make this last. we'll see, i guess. i'm going to talk to janine about it at some point.

2. i've had some issues with temptation lately. i feel a little bit better about it, but it's still there. i'm working on it.

3. i really do like reading the Bible. i mean. i don't read it. i make her read it to me. but it's changing the way i'm looking at religion. in a really amazing way.

4. i don't like cussing. i decided that. it physically hurts my ears now. i don't like it when he says it. and i tell him. but he doesn't seem to care. please refer to #1.




may the Lord bless you and keep you. may the very face of God shine upon you and be gracious to you this week. go now in peace. (:

i don't want you to know.

i am really starting to wonder.


[insert image]

it scares me.

your favorite band.

here


And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once.











i'm a little bit better. but i still need a healthy distraction. sigh. we'll see, i guess.

I just want you to know!!! (: (: (:

here

that i freaking love you.





and i miss you. and i will never ever ever forget you. even though we may be 950 miles apart. this is for both of you. don't forget it.





somebody said something yesterday that reminded me of you.





he said, " i love you hon. i need you to never forget that. i'm serious."





so that's what i'm saying to you.











i love you. i love you. i love you. i need you to never forget that.

i need you to understand:

here

it's not there anymore. i just need things to be normal.

i'm crying on the phone, i'm arguing with drew, i'm sleeping all the time. things aren't the way they should be.

i just need things to be normal again.

but i'm not sure they were ever normal here.

my journal is blank.

please just understand i don't mean anything by it anymore. PLEASE.

i really feel like she might know.

here

we talked. for a long time actually.
and i'm not sure if it changed anything.
but it changed what i know i need to do.
i just don't want to.


sigh.

i asked her about sin. i asked her if wanting to sin because i don't feel like it's a sin still makes it a sin. i asked her hypothetical situations. and i asked her if it was satan. i pulled my hair and i fidgeted and i sighed quite a bit. i was nervous. i was scared. i was upset. i asked her so many dumb questions. but she never made me feel dumb. i don't know why it matters. but it does. i told her about the dream. it scares me that she knows now. i feel awkward and vulnerable. i feel like at any second, things could connect and be weird. but it's not a big deal. i mean. it shouldn't be. sigh. but it still feels like it is. i want her to know. but i don't want anything to change.

elyse, you're being unrealistic. just keep it to yourself.



by the way.
thank YOU for bugging me for that hour. but i still don't know why you care.
but thanks. it was 100% necessary.



i miss shelby and kallen. SIIIGGGH and mom and dad and dylan and aaron and drew and stuff. luckily natalie's here to give me hugs (:

Como se digo?

quiero hablar con liz pero no puedo porque rachel es en alli.

i guess i will wait.

here

i need to sleep. but it appears that tomorrow will be a long day. longer than it should be.

today was just a letdown.

like it was yesterday.

here

i remember the first time i realized how you're supposed to pray.

i used to pray like this:

"Dear God, please let school be cancelled today. If You do, I'll love you forever. Well, I already will love you forever, but I'd really appreciate you cancelling school for me. please please please!!! Amen."

i remember the phone call i got saying grandma was not going to get any better, and to expect the worst. i remember being downstairs and thinking, "God, please please let grandma be okay." and then i realized. she won't be okay forever, even if God listens to this prayer. so instead i prayed for healing. healing of those who knew her. i asked God to be with her in her final days, and to be with the family as we dealt with it.

i've never been more confident God answered one of my prayers.

it's been hard for me to pray lately. i'm not sure why. i just can't find the words (or even images) i need to talk to God. i feel blocked. i need your help.

i am a wonder.

here there were things this week that were good.
for example. Today i biked to work while listening to praise music and i just let go and sang the words as loudly and as awfully as i felt like. sweet freedom. speaking of sweet freedom, he made me say it out loud. he's changing my life too. she makes me feel okay about myself now. it's funny how a stupid conversation can change everything. (: he called me beautiful today. it meant a lot, even though it shouldn't. i like my charm here.


i miss dylan. i wish he wanted to come visit me as much as i want him to.

overblog.

i'm sorry. but it made my night. (:

here

Word on the Street

I don't know if you read this. But if you do, I'm sorry I made you feel awkward. I'm sorry you don't like to talk to me, but I keep trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I joked about it so much. I hope you read this, but it's unlikely you'll know who you are if you do. Maybe you should ask. But that would make our relationship even more awkward. And I would be even more upset about it. So maybe that shouldn't happen.



i should be asleep. but i haven't practiced my flute. or read for film. or studied for computer. or quizzed myself on spanish. or sent my letters. or forgiven myself.


i really am sorry.

***

remember that time i wrote you a thank you note? and you never said anything about it? and i hoped you had gotten it? and then i saw it somewhere great? and it made me smile for days? yeah. i need so much to be able to write you another note.



but you just don't seem to care.

a controversial topic.

took me like 600 years to come up with that freaking word.


and now i don't even want it there.


but it's there. and there it shall stay.








dude.

here

Do you read this? I really hope you do.

a friend.

herei have friends. (: maybe they're just first semester friends. but they're still friends. (: i've gotten out, made plans, neglected homework, and moved on recently. i love it.


this week will be good, i think. ben and kelsi and chloe have changed things. i still miss shelby and kallen and drew. a lot. terribly.

but i'm getting used to this thing. and i'm ready to start having a blast. like i'm supposed to be doing. (:

if the world hates you,

keep in mind that it hated me first. John 15:18

this verse has kept my spirit alive so many times.

today is a beautiful day. (:

Maybe it's you.

Today was one of the best days in a long time. something about biking to work on an adorable old fashioned bike with hand-painted flowered boots and windblown hair with tiny braids peeking out everywhere while listening to the best punk irish band ever... yeah... something about that makes you feel good about life. (:

I am currently sitting in the library, with nothing to do for the next hour until hymn sing. I am bored out of my mind, and nobody else seems especially interesting right now. i just feel like nothing cool is happening. and since i've decided diet pepsi after 8ish is a bad idea if i ever want to get to sleep, i'm restless and antsy and i have a horrible headache. :(

But things could be worse. (:
here


***




you know... he asked.


and i hesitated.

i said no to them. because i know what they'd say.




actually... i don't think they ever even asked.

it's a sad day.

when this isn't late anymore.




i'm bored. i'm kind of tired. but only kind of.

i miss you guys.

i wish you hadn't forgotten about me.

It's Been Said Before BUUUT

here

THANK YOU

*for telling me when i'm being a bitch.
*for bugging me until i told you what was wrong.
*for calling even though i said i would keep my distance.
*for saying hi.
*for letting me sit.
*for reading me Bible stories.
*for sitting with me at lunch.

to all of you. i needed it.


so. i've never so obviously noticed how God puts people to work in other people's hearts until now.

She's changing my life.

And she's changing my life.

And she's changing my life.




She is constantly changing my life. And I've still never needed anyone more.



by the way... i'm glad you think i still belong in heaven.

i've been thinking...

about how beautiful this picture is.





life has been good lately. Thank You, God.

it means the world to me that I can feel You again.


here

tooooooooooday(:

this is how i feel. (:

yesterday was not a great day. Until I called my brother. He's my best friend.

He was so helpful, and he told me he loved me before I told him I loved him. Small things like that keep me running.

I hung out with a girl who I haven't much really yet, Krista, and she and I kind of think the same. She's a lot of fun.
here

Chelsey and I rearranged our room, and it changed everything. not kidding you. my mood upped so quickly, and everything has just been great since.

we had our mod movie monday last night, and i watched part of that (21) (:, and then Krista and I, along with some other girls, went to the hymn sing in Yost. I wasn't expecting it to be so wonderful. But it was held in a raquetball court, and there was no music. You just shouted out a number for a hymn you wanted to sing, and immediately we would break out in 4 part harmony. I love being mennonite. (: Of COURSE, we sang 606 (or 118 now... sadface.) and then we turned off all the lights and sing praise songs. and this was the part that changed my life. it was completely dark in this room, and there had to have been like, 30 people there. for praise songs, we don't announce what we want to sing, we just start singing. i didn't know all of them, but i had fun listening to the words. I won't lie to you, i got chills a few times. the harmony was amazing, and the words were just perfect. i needed that.
when we were done, Leah turned to me and said I'm the alto she wishes she was. I don't necessarily think I'm great at harmony, but it was great to hear. I stayed up late last night, talking to Chloe, Rachel, Natalie, and Yolli. (: Some really cool girls here. I love our mod.

This morning we had a surprise birthday breakfast for Krista at Daylight Donuts. (: I like feeling included.

Also this morning, I had a meeting with the manager of Lincoln Perk, and got scheduled for training hours. (: I will be working with my cousin, which will be strange, I'm sure, but ultimately wonderful. (: I'm in such a good mood.

Nothing about today is bad. (:

All I Need to Say.

is everything.


but for now...?

I'll stick to thank you.



i've tried to tell you. but you really don't understand how much it means.

maybe someday i can say these things to you.
but for now...?


i'll stick to writing you this.

it could be better?

all images here

things never turn out the way i expect them to.

i never expected that college would be this lonely on the weekends.

i never expected that i'd be scared of people reading my blog.

i never expected that i'd kind of sort of be told i'm going to hell. highlight of my night, let me tell you what.

i never expected that i'd still be disappointing, this far away.

or maybe i just never realized.

that by thinking these things... i absolutely might be headed for hell.

that making friends... is a concept i've hardly ever experienced.

that journaling... might end up saving my life after all.

i don't like being dramatic. but i'm begging you to ask.

I Remember...

The moment my life changed forever.
I remember singing. I remember the tune.
I remember the leader's hair color.
I remember taking my blue composition book
outside and just crying.
I remember nobody else thinking anything
was happening.
I remember wanting to give up everything
just to serve Him.


I felt that again tonight.

This evening I went to a bible study, which I have never been to in my life. Our leader gave her testimony, where she talked about suicidal thoughts, depression, and her story up until now. It seems like everybody came to college with a story to tell.



except me.

And that's okay, I guess. I mean, it's probably better this way. That I've never had sex for money, or never been arrested for driving drunk, or never had a big drug addiction that I've overcome by rediscovering my passion for Jesus, etc. That's a good thing. Right? RIGHT?


I was hanging out with some girls in my RA's room earlier, and we were playing some mind games and just having a good time, and as we all stood up to leave, I heard Rachel say, "Can we finish talking about that thing later?" and Liz replied with an "absolutely" or "of course" or something equally I-support-you-esque. And I just wanted to sink down to the floor. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I'm thinking. I want to ask you things that I feel like only you can answer. I need an outlet like this. I have to know what you think about this... I need to talk to you too. Let me tell you my story. It might not be as interesting.

but i still have one.

I CAN FEEL IT.

there is no picture to describe the magic that has happened. you guys know how i've kind of been struggling with my faith? well. that would be the magic that has happened.

you guys also maybe know that i've been planning on doing a year(ish) of service after Hesston, before i go on to finish my degree? Well. that would also be the magic.

i began reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne on Monday night, and he talks about his work with the homeless, etc. a lot. it's a great book. i highly recommend it. anyways, i talked to drew about it: about vive el llamado, and how i was being called to serve. i told him i don't want to have to wait two more years. i want to make a difference now, helping the homeless, listening to the unloved. i want to change the world.

this morning, i had an 8:00 class. i ended up waking up for it at 8:00. i didn't have time to brush my teeth, put on deodorant, or makeup, or change my clothes before running to class. it just so happens that i have a full morning. from 8:00-10:50, and then chapel at 11. i considered skipping chapel and going back to the dorm and fixing myself up a little bit, but something was really telling me to go to chapel. to understand why this is a big deal... you have to understand that i do not enjoy going to chapel. i'm always so tired and my mind wanders and it's always hard to find somebody to sit by and it's just bleh. but something was telling me to go.

so i went.

chapel this morning was entirely dedicated to how Hesston College students could serve, even within a small community, through the homeless shelter, big brother/big sister program, and visiting with the prison/old folk's home.

i was blown away. shocked. intruiged. surprised. speechless. afraid.

once i have my car... i'm signing up for all of them.

that would be viviendo el llamado, after all. Thank You.

you could say

things are getting better.

but i'm still 100% infatuated




with no idea what to do about it.


school is whatever. i miss everybody. and some days
things are just really hard. but i'm trying to push through.

44 days left until i'm home.

no reason.

the way i'm sitting in my dorm room

alone

with the lights off

at 11:30

on a friday night





i feel like i'm writing a suicide note.



i might as well be for the way my heart aches.

i haven't felt like this in over a year.



i don't like this feeling.

this pining

this jealousy

this torment of not being the most important person.





i tried talking to three people about it.

i want to talk to you, but i know you wouldn't understand.





why do i want this as badly as i do?

why is it such a big deal to me?

why can't i just let this go and go back to the way things were before?



there is no reason.







and yet?



i'm obsessed.



i don't know where to go, so i'm standing still.

i'm scared of what my heart is telling me.

i'm scared of the emotions i feel.

i'm scared that this is as serious to me as it is.

i'm scared that i'm so heartbroken about it.



and i'm really scared i'm going to stay like this.

Dreams.

if it weren't for that dream.

i could probably think straight right now.

siiiiiiiiigh (: (: (:



here

I AM NOT...

the kind of girl who would volunteer to play sports.

the kind of girl who doesn't sweat.

the kind of girl who would hold hands with strange guys while walking a mile.

the kind of girl who would jump on guys' backs, even if it is for a game.

the kind of girl who would talk on the phone just to talk on the phone.

the kind of girl who would survive being alone.



But I did.



College is such a different experience than high school was. Or even summer camp. In addition to taking classes I actually want to pay attention to, I signed up for flute and guitar lessons. I've played mod volleyball, which we dominated at. (: It's my roommate's birthday so we just ordered 10 pizzas and we're having a sister-mod party here in a little bit. I've been eating apples instead of iced cream. The only thing on my floor here is shoes. I've called Mom twice in two days. I've made friends. I love it here. I really do.







Mom, you can stop worrying now.




However... some things that are not so great:
* having to lock up my bike when I get back to campus.
* having to lock my room so nobody steals my laptop. And...
* that computer lock daddy bought me and then never showed me how to use. The directions make less sense that Swahili to me.
* using the facilities. Public restrooms suck hardcore.
* I've had stomach cramps since I got here. I'm not sure if it's the switch of food, or of temperature, or what's going on. But they hurt. :/ It might be menstrual-related. But I'm thinking of taking medicine regardless.
* worrying that the milk in my refrigorator is going to go bad before I can use all of it.
* my phone charger comes unplugged when I sleep. :(


Granted, none of these are huge problems. But they're huge enough that I feel like complaining here.

here

Although there are some things that suck, there are some good things:
* my dorm/mod/sister mod. There is always music playing really loudly with all the doors open, so it's like a big house party all the time. Not to mention, there are some really cool girls here.
* the guys. don't get me wrong, I love Drew and I want him forever. I mean the guys as friends. I've made a few so far: Vincent (who has a 'fro and the sweetest aura), sooooomebody I don't remember his name lol (who asked me to tutor him in film... on the first day), Michael (Who calls me 'Princess'), and Ben (who forgot my name once and now makes it a point to say hi every time he sees me.).
* the freedom. I can, to some extent, do whatever I want, go whereever I want, and stay wherever I want however long I want to. It's interesting to feel like there aren't strict rules. I'll get used to it eventually.



I do miss Kallen, Shelby, Drew, and my (now kind of extended) family. That includes you, Aaron. (: It's nice to have something to look forward to each day as I run down to the student center to check my mailbox. It's awesome to have classes that I don't want to just journal through. And also, it sucks. I miss you all, but I love you toooooo (:


I have mod volleyball round 2 in an hour (I told you we dominated), and then bed relatively early because I have an 8:00 tomorrow morning. *gag*

What I'm trying to say is... I'm having a great time.


i'm not trying to rub it in.

New Day.

First day of college. Not as crazy as I'd expected.
I am not as horribly tired as before. (: Probably because I got some excersize today.
I went on a bike ride around town as I talked to Mom on the phone, and I just got
back from playing Mod Volleyball. (: I was going mostly because my RA, Liz, told us
we needed as many people as possible to look intimidating. So I went. Playing sports
in front of other people scares the living poop out of me. But I did it. And it ended up
being one of the most fun things I've done here so far. (:
In about ten minutes I need to actually put clothes on instead of just sitting here in my
towel, and go take a computer competency exam to see if I need to take the computer
class. If not, I get to return a $200 book! Keep your fingers crossed for me. (: After
that, it's second floor movie mondays. I'm not sure what we're watching, but I've been informed there will be food. Tomorrow I have fitness concepts and (if I don't pass :( ) intro to computers. Tomorrow seems like it might be a pretty great day. We'll see, I guess.


In other news, I'm making friends. People here are friendly, if not 100% inclusive. But as of now, things are good.

So Quickly?

It would appear I'm used to this whole college-hours thing.
Then again... classes haven't started. But IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD...

I'm scared out of my mind. :( But whatever. I'm catching up in my journal, making friends, finishing organizing my room, listening to music, writing letters, texting my man... things are okay. (:


However, i miss this kid.











And i miss this beaaaaaaaautiful lady, my very best friend, Shelby. (: What's such a pretty girl doing with me?



























and of course, my very favorite sister! i miss her with a burning passion.
also, i'm a dinosaur in this picture. (:

College Life.

not much of anything to do with college life at all, but isn't this the best picture in the world??? (:


ANYWAYS. I'm so unbelievably exhausted, but in about half an hour, my mod is going out to Druber's to celebrate two girls' birthdays. So I kind of have to go since one of them is my roommate.
As for college, when I first got here, I wore my sunglasses all the time. Not because it was particularly sunny, but because I needed the time to swallow my tears. It was so uncomfortable and miserable. I didn't know anyone, but I felt like everyone else was already friends. I didn't know how to approach people, which hasn't been a problem of mine in years. I just wanted Mom and Daddy to take me back home so I could HP with Shelby and Kallen, which is what they were doing as I was getting "settled in." I was just so miserable and afraid. I wanted to run into Drew's arm and cry into his shirt until everything was better. (If you're reading this, I love you and I miss you more than anything. :/) Since that wasn't an option, Shelby coached me through life for a while there via texting. I ended up making a few friends so far. Thank poop! But I eventually got into the swing of things. Or at least pretended to be in the swing of things. It was easier once I wasn't being prodded by Mom and Daddy. I know they mean well, but they were making everything way too structured. Once they went to Walmart and I was on my own, I found people I could hang out with comfortably.

While I'm still not super comfortable (will I ever be in a dorm?), I am not uncomfortable anymore. It's strange to have sophomores outside my room causing a ruckus, but go figure... It's just like living down at the beach again. Except surprisingly, my room is bigger. I have some new pillows and sheets and a new blanket, new dishes, new fridge... things are a-changing. But I have more hope now than I did earlier. (:

i'm writing you a symphony of sound

where are you now?

as i'm swimming through the stereo

i'm writing you a symphony of sound

where are you now?

as i rearrange the songs again

this mix could burn a hole in anyone

but it was you i was thinking of.

i don't mean to hurt people. but i do. i do a lot. i make people cry. i make people hurt. i make people unhappy. i just do. But i really don't mean to.

all images here

Tired Eyes.

hooommeee. (:



it was nice to have a week with my friends, but it's even nicer to be home.



i feel so at peace with the world.

aside from the fact that i'm kind of freaking out about college.





i feel cute and fun and interesting.



finally. (:



tonight i'm just planning on hanging out... tomorrow i'm going to see grandma. :/ she's not doing well at all.



anyways...

DAY 8
woke up late... as always (:
boys went to the Parthenon and an army surplus store. sheesh.
girls got ready for the day. and then... Amy's dumb GPS was being, well, dumb and couldn't find any of the addresses we had, so it kept setting itself en route to Alabama. which was, you know... wrong. after becoming extremely aggravated, we went back home.
the 4 of us went out to eat at Chili's because we had a gift card. It was really mediocre food. :/ but the dessert was amazing. (:
we headed downtown to find gifts for our (favorite) family members. (; and then
went home.
relaxed.
hid in a closet from shelby and aaron with my honey because i was scared. :(
talked it out with her,
went to a strip clubbbb. (:

as we walked in, and saw these girls up on stage, i immediately thought, "this is somebody's little girl." and i just felt icky. but as we stayed there, and watched a ridiculous number of creepy guys throw money at these girls, we talked to more and more of them. and they kind of explained that they liked it, or they "needed" to for financial reasons. i still couldn't shake my uneasiness about how casual it was though. i just didn't grow up that way. anyways, it was fun, and we became friends with 2 girls: Jesse, and Raquel. Jesse was cute as can be, with a gorgeous little body and naturally red hair, who was unbelievably strong. I was impressed. Raquel didn't so much strip as run around taking her clothes off like a 5 year old looking for laughs. She was real cute though. Made you smile. (: When she came up and talked to us, she decided it was necessary to grope my best friend, and give her just a few kisses. lol. on the mouth. lol. i don't think Shelby even knew what to do. it was quite amusing, to say the least. (: we left around 2 to go home and get some sleep for the ride home.
which was today...

DAY 9
came home. weeeeeee. (:

Suga Suga.

sometimes i tell people things just to tell people things.





but sometimes i really need a response... it wasn't hypothetical this time.









DAY 6
woke up

ate breakfast/lunch (:

burned some cookies :(

more Kroger runs, if I remember correctly.

took Gran to her hair appointment in the pouring rain.

went to Goodwill for a while.

after a quick drink stop at McDonald's,

Shelb and I got massages (: How come she always gets the sexy black guy and I always get the chubby woman with facial hair?!? EVERY TIME.
after massages, we went straight downtown so I could finally get my eyebrow pierced. I was worried what the boys would think, but they seem to like it. I LOVE it, and I got pierced by such a beautiful woman: Betty Ann from LA Ink Season 4 (I believe). She was so wonderful. (: I could feel it being ripped through my freaking skin, but other than that, it was painless. lol.

once that was over, we were STARVING, and we decided to go home to get cute before going to Hooters. (:



HOWEVER.



when we got home, the power was out! so we had to go out the way we were. :(

Anyways... Hooters was wonderful.

The boys were both first timers, but I think they liked it. We had a perfect, wonderful waitress. (: Her name was Jessica. Finally a Jessica I liked. lol.

When we went home, we were really excited for electricity. but no! :( the power was still out. the whole house was cluttered with candles, so it would have been really romantic had it not been like, 200 degress. :( it was miserable. and it continued to be that way until SEVEN THIS MORNING.



Day 7

woke up gross. ugh.

ate breakfast.

went to Hot Diggity Dog, this cute little Chicago-style hot dog joint. It was so great, and I'm not really one for hot dogs.

Walked around downtown. Shopped. Ate iced cream. (: It was a nice day. If by nice, you understand I mean 103 degrees.
Came home. (:

Chilling before going out to eat with Mel, Gran, and Amy. (:

No, You.

DAY 4

Woke up late.
Shelby and Aaron played computer games all afternoon while

Drew and I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. (: I told you I like country music. It was pretty interesting, but it would have been better if I knew more of the people in it. :(

The 4 of us took a trip to Walmart, where Shelby and I bought more sexy lingerie (: (and the boys bought us some food stuffs)

Home to make some Hamburger Helper and cut/eat strawberries. The boys did a FABULOUS job and it was delicious. (:

Out for a trip to Aladdin's Hookah Bar, but were deeply saddened to discover it was 21+, so we drove around aimlessly until we found

Rutledge, a club/bar area thing where a Ned Zeppelin (a Led Zeppelin cover band... SHOCKER) were performing. We caught the last half of "Black Dog" before they were done for the night. They were legit. (:

Then... we drove around aimlessly and ended up back in our warm, cozy beds after all. (:

DAY 5

Was woken up by the boys WAY too early :(

Ate a delicious breakfast of... cold cereal. It was actually delicious, though. So whatever. lol.

Drew and I had to make a gazillion trips to Kroger, and then...

We all went swimming, which would have been amazing, because it was SO HOT... but they must have just put chemicals in the water or something, because it was cloudy and murky and just unpleasant. :( So...

We went home and took cold showers. lol. Which was beautiful.

Drew and I had a "nice chat." (:

We finally met up all together and ate some pizza and hung out. (:

I painted my nails and Shelby played Age of Empires on her computer. What a sillyface.

We got ready to go out, and met up with Mel, Amy, and Gran at BB King's, this AMAZING blues bar. I don't know about anyone else, but I l.o.v.e. blues. It gets me all pumped for life and stuff. (: So... we ate there and got up and danced as these three hotties sang and danced up front with the house band. (: We probably looked like dayum foolz. But it was fun. (:

After that, it was time for a trip to another Adult Store. (: woohoo. They're ALL THE SAME... by the way.

We searched around *forever* for a freaking WalMart, and came home.

Aaronpoo is in bed because he isn't feeling well, Shelby is making an orange cake, and Drew is bein a cuteface and reading over my shoulder. (:

I'm just hangin out in my sweats. (: this vacation has been a lot of fun so far... if you ignore the fact that I've been drinking way too much diet pepsi, eating way too much chocolate, and missing Kallen like crazy. She would love it here. So many things remind me of her.

<3lyse.

Nashville(:

Many lines have been crossed so far this vacation. (:

It's fun to hang out with the boys and get ready with my bestie. As we were getting ready today, I noticed we are polar opposites when it comes to looks.
Me: green eyes.
Shelby: brown eyes.
Me: blonde, short, straight hair.
Shelby: brunette, long, curly hair.
Me: freckles.
Shelby: no freckles.
Me: short. (and aaron won't let me forget it.)
Shelby: tall.



DAY ONE
Drive down. (:
Unpack.
Had a glorious nappy.
Went to Zanie's Comedy Club to see John Caparulo from Chelsea Lately. (:
Home.

DAY TWO
Scrounged for some breakfast cereal. lol.
Went to Whole Foods and spent around $60 on things we didn't need. (: Ate pizza and gelato for lunch, which was delicioussss.
Took a break from the heat to relax a little bit.
Went on a search for a Goodwill, but it was out of business. :(
On the way home, we stopped at an adult superstore, The Lion's Den. Which had the most amazing employees I've ever met. So hilarious and not awkward. It was a lot of fun, but also totally weird. (: In a good way.
Went swimming in the community pool. Felt so delicious on my skin.
Ate amazing steak and baked potatoes that Shelby's FABULOUS aunt made for us, and watched Sweet Home Alabama on the outdoor patio.
Hung out with our boys until it was time for sleep (:

DAY THREE
Went to The Pancake Pantry, which blew our freaking minds.
Walked around 21st street, checking out little shops, dying a slow and painful death in the unbelievable heat.
Went home to relax.
Went to Phonoluxe, this retro CD/vinyl/dvd/vhs/cassette tape store, and found some neat stuff. (:
Walmart to buy iced cream and cereal.
Home to relax and watch Taking Lives before running around Nashville (:
Went to Wildhorse Saloon and ate a little bit, and had some fun line dancing. I wish anybody else here appreciated country music the way I do. Not that I love it... I just know it and like it enough that it's so much fun to be here, where country music is HUGE. I just feel like they all think I'm obnoxious for loving line dancing and singing along and stuff. I don't know.
Went to HUSTLER. You have to at least once, right? (:

Now we're watching Bedazzled. (: We're so awesome.

Nashville.

I feel like maybe this will be the perfect thing. (:

we got here safely, around 3 p.m., organized our charts of things to do while we're here, and took a glorious nappy. We're in the process (I'm obviously waiting my turn) of taking showers before we go to a comedy club. I love my friends and I love the way this trip makes me feel.

My gang of friends is the kind of gang I was always jealous of. (: I'm excited to do all sorts of wonderful this week. we're 4 crazy teenagers, after all (3 technically). (:

I guess I will keep this updated, as that is the meaning I started it.

Seems pretty dumb, as only one person reads it... and she's one room away from me. Whatever.

I Honestly Couldn't Say.

my beautiful friend Caitlin took this picture(:

who knew a bottle of diet pepsi could change everything?

it's been a long time since i've had a connection like this. especially with somebody so different from me.

the look in his eyes... the high fives the hugs the smiles the waves the thankyous. everything came alive in his eyes.

i just don't want to cry again.

some people call me passionate. but i fear i'm looking for reasons.

don't cry, don't cry.

there are things i've constantly thought about saying, but never said. there are things i've wished and wished and prayed for that simply haven't happened. there are a million things trapped inside my head, crashing into the coast of my "don't say" beach. it's not a nice beach.


*I wish he hadn't heard me say that today. I really don't mean it. He's my favorite, and I hate that I hurt him. Don't tell me it was for attention. Attention doesn't make your eyes that red.

*After so long, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. It hasn't even been terribly long, but things have changed so much between us. I'm awkward and scared. I don't like to show her how I really feel. God, help us.<3

*I'm scared he'll fall out of love with me. It hit me that he could be the one to end up breaking my heart today. I hope he loves me as much as he did the first time.

*I love being the girl I am to him. Especially cheering him on while he's trannying it up and sharing my makeup and nail polish remover with him. I'm proud of him. I could try not to be, but there's no point. He is amazing and perfect. He is my psuedo little brother. I care about him. I worry about him. I get proud of him and shout his fucking name to the heavens. I love him more than I've loved any one of them these past 4 years. It scares me he'll be gone forever. I'm not sure if my heart could handle that right now. After all... Stephen broke my heart.

I feel empty and angry. I miss Drew with the impossibility of finding the most miniscule shard of glass. I miss him with my eyes and my hands and my lips. I miss his smile and his voice. and i shouldn't miss him this much after only 10 hours.

But I do.

I miss him like he's gone away to sea and I will wait at the shore for him to come back. I miss him as badly as I cried in the shower that day. I miss him I miss him I miss him.



This summer has been full of interesting things. And yet?
I feel unfulfilled.


*Chalk twister
*Midget wrestling
*Sand-Hole
*Friday Night Live
*Pre-Collage
*New Lappy
*Drive-In movies
*Third Cooler Meetings, AKA getting crunk in the cooler. (:
*New bike


it's time for a change. it really is. it is so overdue. I found a blog yesterday of this woman who was feeling the same way I am right now, and she inspired me. I will explain more once I know the details. But things are going to be interesting, dammit.

:/

here

why do you have to leave me.

New Month, New Me.

it's august. i can't even believe it.
this summer has passed so quickly, and i'm really antsy about moving out of it.

in other news... i'm going lappy shopping today, and tonight my honey and i are going out on a typical date. (: i think it'll be okay.

except that dylan just left and i'm heartbroken.

Weight.

it frustrates me. it increases. it decreases. i feel like it's going to be okay. and then i feel gross. will i forever be this person?

yesterday was me and drew's 10 month (: we rented lots of movies and ate junk food. we had these fancy cookie sticks and we pretended we were fancy estate owners and had just imported fancy cuban cigars. we are quite the pair.

things should be all set for Tennessee. (:


work at 4, babysitting at 7:30, and then lots of sleep. hopefully lots of diet pepsi as well. i need all the help i can get.


i miss you.

In Other News.

I love him. (:

i really do.

here

i've never felt this way before. it physically hurts me sometimes and makes me crinkle my eyebrows and just hold on to him. it makes me feel like flying sometimes. like i own the world and nothing i do could possibly fail. it makes me nervous, makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me skip and jump around like a little girl. he completely owns my heart.

Hopefully every entry from now on will not be like that. (: But that's what's going on lately. In addition...

* Interesting work relationships. It's funny how things change.

* Getting things set for Tennessee and college. Life is making nervous... it will never be the same again. And I think that's okay.

* Extreme Midget Wrestling... yes. I went to that last night. And it was the greatest thing ever. My baby and I ordered tickets online, went to this trashy club in a shady part of town, and got crazy dumb bracelets at the door. And watched midgets wrestle. If you ever get the chance... GO. It was so amazingly hilarious. (:

* I'm trying to plan something cute for me and Drew's 10 month on Monday. We'll see how that goes, I guess. I love him. I really do. (:

Is It Really?

here

this whole thing seems like a pretty huge commitment.


but maybe it's different than it has always seemed.

it's hard to say.

here
but this is how i feel.

my soul?

i like him(:

but i don't know him.

i like cherry slurpees
even if they're not always free.

i like orange sherbet scented chappy

even if my boyfriend uses the same kind.

i like my bangs

even if they are crazy uneven and all over the place.

i like my journal

even if there are no pages without glitter.

i like my boyfriend

even if i don't have the guts to tell him how i really feel.

i like my boots

even though they aren't finished.

i like my summer so far

even if everything i see reminds me of her.

it's true... what they say.

some days things i wish things were beautiful.

and some days i really try for things to be beautiful.

some days i make things beautiful.

and then there are days like today.

days that are lonely and full of anticipation for nothing in particular.

that just are beautiful.

here

LATELY.

it's becoming harder and harder for me to not shout it out.

here

poops mcgee.

sometimes. i miss things.

shelby, i miss you. sigh.

Outside My Window.

happy fourth of july (:

i'm not sure what else to say other than this morning was a huge letdown.

i went to say goodbye, and i couldn't find him anywhere. i drove around looking for two hours. and went home feeling defeated.

in other news... last night i went downtown, where the cherry festival is (: with caitlin, got fazzoli's, ran to borders to grab a shake from byron, went scooting through walmart with no purpose, and swung home to pick up the crew to go to the beach bum's game. (: ran into a lot of friends there, and talked to mom. it was nice.

now there is a fourth of july party/the annual luau on our beach. it always starts ridiculously early, and lasts ridiculously long. but it's fun, i suppose. lots of booze, and lots of loud music.

today should be pretty great. besides this morning, which ended up not being a complete waste of time (see lower), today has been very relaxing and the weather is beautiful.

here is the hidden gem i found during my great search this morning:

i think i would enjoy just wandering. laying in the grass. preferably in my underwear. i love beautiful things. (:

so long for now, my dears. xoxo,

elyse.