My friends are out of control. That's all I'm going to say.
I don't feel very well, but I guess I haven't for a few days now. I hope I start to feel better because tomorrow I'm making the great voyage to Kansas, ONCE AGAIN, for my cousin's wedding. You'd think there's been enough matrimony this year. But someone always has to go and surprise you.
Yesterday was the Music Awards Banquet. I won the award for Musical Excellence. He said some really sweet things about me, and the way he spoke, I can tell he meant them from the bottom of his heart. I don't think I've ever felt more appreciated than when he says something kind about me. I know I should just be excited I received an award, but something is still nagging at my heart. Marching band. Anybody who knows me/knew me during marching band knows I count my steps, walk in step with people, conduct with every part of my body, and live for shows. Marching band was my life for what seems like forever. And somehow the award went to somebody who I feel wasn't deserving. She works hard, and she may have some good ideas. But there is no way she will miss the familiar pulsating of the cadence through her body the way I will next year. There is no way she will tap it out on her desk and lap and tables with whatever she can find the way I will. There is no way. I feel like there is one equally deserving person of the marching band award. And she received the other one. It pulls the strings of my heart and I can feel myself crumbling under the very wrong expectations I had for myself. I am fully aware that this is a ridiculous response, and I know I need to just cool down and let it go. But I've never thrown myself in love with anything more than I have with marching band.
In other news, tonight the seniors are painting the streets. I should be excited, I've been waiting to do it since I first traversed along that street. However, I don't feel anything. I feel absolutely neutral about tonight. I know what I'm going to paint and with what colors. I'm even wearing my painting clothes already. But I can't seem to spark my fire for street painting. I hope things get better. I hope they do.
In addition to all that crap, I've been really struggling to reignite my faith. I had missed church for an unexcusable number of weeks, and this past week was Youth Sunday, where I was all of the sudden put on the spot. I have been reading The Sacred Romance by Brent something and John Eldridge, but it isn't doing anything for me. I'm not sure if it's just not a great book, or if I'm totally immune to anything relating to having a heart.
Sunday night I had a breakdown. It was the breakdown to end all breakdowns. I finally confided in Shelby that my needs for spiritual relief and guidance were not being met, and we agreed to start being more open about things. I think one of the things that has really strained our friendship this year was not talking about God or religion or faith. She told me she didn't like to, and I didn't push it. Meanwhile, I was devistated. She was the only one I'd talked to for the longest time, and she helped so much. Now I was on my own. Who was I supposed to turn to? Luckily, something good came out of it, as this small group was created. I think all of us girls needed some kind of faith outlet, and this turned out to be the perfect solution. Thank you girls so much for all of your support and guidance and just listening to me when I'm blabbering... like I obviously am today. My point being, we decided to start talking about it again, and hopefully this will build up our friendship, as we have had a rough year together.
my name is elyse terry.
i will never be emotionless.
i'm a girl; i cry over boys who break my heart.
i get confused about things i want in life.
i fall apart pretty regularly.
and i won't tell you when i need you to pick up pieces.
depression isn't who i am. but i know it will help shape me.
i sometimes lose my passion for life.
and sometimes i have unbelievable joy i can't wait to share.
don't tell me grey isn't beautiful.
i am such a color. in spite of the stigma.