Tuesday, August 3, 2010

don't cry, don't cry.

there are things i've constantly thought about saying, but never said. there are things i've wished and wished and prayed for that simply haven't happened. there are a million things trapped inside my head, crashing into the coast of my "don't say" beach. it's not a nice beach.

*I wish he hadn't heard me say that today. I really don't mean it. He's my favorite, and I hate that I hurt him. Don't tell me it was for attention. Attention doesn't make your eyes that red.

*After so long, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. It hasn't even been terribly long, but things have changed so much between us. I'm awkward and scared. I don't like to show her how I really feel. God, help us.<3

*I'm scared he'll fall out of love with me. It hit me that he could be the one to end up breaking my heart today. I hope he loves me as much as he did the first time.

*I love being the girl I am to him. Especially cheering him on while he's trannying it up and sharing my makeup and nail polish remover with him. I'm proud of him. I could try not to be, but there's no point. He is amazing and perfect. He is my psuedo little brother. I care about him. I worry about him. I get proud of him and shout his fucking name to the heavens. I love him more than I've loved any one of them these past 4 years. It scares me he'll be gone forever. I'm not sure if my heart could handle that right now. After all... Stephen broke my heart.

I feel empty and angry. I miss Drew with the impossibility of finding the most miniscule shard of glass. I miss him with my eyes and my hands and my lips. I miss his smile and his voice. and i shouldn't miss him this much after only 10 hours.

But I do.

I miss him like he's gone away to sea and I will wait at the shore for him to come back. I miss him as badly as I cried in the shower that day. I miss him I miss him I miss him.

This summer has been full of interesting things. And yet?
I feel unfulfilled.

*Chalk twister
*Midget wrestling
*Friday Night Live
*New Lappy
*Drive-In movies
*Third Cooler Meetings, AKA getting crunk in the cooler. (:
*New bike

it's time for a change. it really is. it is so overdue. I found a blog yesterday of this woman who was feeling the same way I am right now, and she inspired me. I will explain more once I know the details. But things are going to be interesting, dammit.

1 comment:

  1. i love you. and things will change around you all the time. they always have. you know that as well as i do. every time we fall in love with this trend we've gotten into, it changes. and we are sad for a while. then we realize that theres a new trend and we dont quite miss the old one so much. i love you SO much. and the only sure thing that ever exists through all those trends is you and me. and whatever you are having a hard time with...i want you to know that im still here. i will be always. dont forget that. i will always accept and love you, no matter who else does or does not. and i know for a fact that drew loves you and you shouldnt worry about things like that. he is yours and you are his. right now, you are happy and beautiful. those things are true. ily.